Family Matters

by Leroy Nemmy

I want to start adopting feral children. Now, I know many of you are saying to yourself “That Nemmy is a real horse’s rear! How can he adopt a feral child when there are so many American children in need of good homes?” The answer to that is simple; I have needs.

My most urgent need is to set myself apart. What would be more unique than a forty-three-year old bachelor raising a bouncing little foundling that scurries about on all fours and won't make eye contact? Sure, those big-shot celebrities can go around the world collecting brats from awful places like Africa, Vietnam, Sacramento, etc., but who among them can boast they have a kid that was nursed by wild dogs? Can Angelina or Brad say that their kid is able to hunt down and kill small reptiles and rodents with a swift bite to their neck vertebrae? Can Madonna’s precious little one detect if a female is in estrus by sniffing her? Now, that would be something to talk about!

Another void that a feral child would help me fill is a need for uncomplicated companionship. I’ve tried the whole dog, cat, goldfish thing and just found it too taxing. A kid that has been raised in the wilderness and taught to fend for itself would be a million times easier to deal with than a pet. For example; say you find yourself out of kid food. A trip to the store is going to take at least twenty minutes… but, if your pride-and-joy is used to foraging on his or her own, then the whole of outdoors is a buffet! You just open the back gate and turn them loose for dinner.

Lastly, adding a feral child to my household is far less committal than adopting one that is accustomed to a lot of human nurturing. If things don’t work out, if I find that fatherhood is cramping my style, then the problematic tyke could simply be released back into the wild, no harm done. In fact, I could probably even attach some sort of tracking device so that researchers could study it’s migration habits –a boon for science no doubt! Talk about win, win.

Anyhow, I’m really excited. I don’t know where to start, but I’m imaging I can probably find one for free in the Penny Saver or maybe the Recycler. The ad might go something like this; “Feral Children Need Homes: This week ‘Tango' a high-spirited red-headed male approximately ten years of age is looking for a new mommy and daddy. He is in the process of being house-broken and can understand some commands and most threatening gestures.” Perhaps a picture might be included too.

If you know of any leads, please get in touch via “comments” on this posting. Thanks. Leroy