by T
After picking my daughter up from first grade for the past couple of weeks I now know why there are so many pricks in the world… because they’ve been raised by pricks.
Parents of Riverside Elementary School, would it kill you people to have some fucking manners at your child’s school??? I’m not suggesting anyone convert to Buddhism or anything, I’m just saying guys, how ‘bout we all follow the quaint old rule of thumb “Ladies first”? Fellas, you’ll get in and out of the school yard in plenty of time to drive like a jackass down the 101, so why not take it easy with the pushing and shoving on the playground, tough guys! And ladies how ‘bout you follow the quaint old rule of thumb “It’s a grammar school, not Chillers in Santa Monica – so loose the slut costume and act like your crotch fruit isn’t such a goddamn inconvenience for at least five minutes!” And everyone – LAY OFF THE FUCKING CAR HORNS!!! I don’t like waiting for crossing guards anymore than you do, but Jesus do you really think it’s making that eighty-year-old in the day-glo vest move any faster?!?!
See you all at the next PTA meeting, assholes.
Friday, September 28, 2007
NFL Week Four
Oakland goes to Miami. Spread, Miami -4. Remember Bob Griese and Kenny Stabler? Well, nothing about this game will evoke any ghosts of competent quarterbacks past. This is a toughie… it’s like a fight between Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton… what the heck, Paris... er, I mean Raiders to upset.
Houston goes to Atlanta as a three-point favorite. Atlanta will continue to burn as the Texans (how in the heck did they come up with that name) will cover.
Baltimore in Cleveland. Ravens favored buy 4.5. Now here’s a kooky situation; a team going to a town they used to play in to play a team named after the team they used to be… The team who’s name was inspired by an Edgar Allen Poe poem should cover.
Chicago will go to Detroit favored by 3. Bob Griese’s son will prove no better than Interception-a-saurus Rex as the “Super Bowl Shuffle” become the “Windy City Death-spiral.” Detroit to upset.
Green Bay goes to Minnesota favored by a mere point-and-a-half (1.5) Sore-ee, Vikings fans, but even a Lutheran would bet on the Packers to cover. Lock City, doncha know!
Dallas host the Rams in what should be the kind of massacre that will have the folks ‘round the Gateway to the West muttering “Yeah, but remember last year’s World Series?!?!” Cowboys to cover the 13 points they’re giving.
NY Jets are a 3.5 point favorite while visiting the Bills. It is quite possible that the brightest story for Buffalo this season will be Kevin Everett’s recovery. Jets will cover.
Tampa Bay goes into Carolina as a three point underdog. After a big toke on the crack pipe, I’m gonna say Tampa to upset!
Seattle goes to San Francisco as a two point favorite. My team is the ‘Hawks, so I’m gonna pick ‘em. (But if you want to make any money, bet on the ‘Niners.)
Though Pittsburgh will not cover the 6 points they’re giving the Cards, forty-somethings will have reason to wave their Terrible Towels in glee as the Steelers win.
Chargers are a twelve point favorite at home against Kansas City. When I think about this game, I have a vision of LT dancing around in front of the Chief bench, pointing at his butt and then pointing at the Chiefs and then doing air kisses… he’s such a class act. In my vision the wheels will stay on the bandwagon for at least one more week and SD will cover.
Indy is a 9.5 point favorite against Denver in the RCA Dome. Multiply that number by two and you’ll get what will be the actual margin of victory of the Colts over the Broncs.
Maybe it’s the mushroom tea talkin’ but I still like Donovan McNaab… is he black? This game will be decided in the last seconds by a 58 yard field goal. Eagles will win, cover.
New England will win at Cincinnati but not cover the 7.5 spread. After the game the two quarterbacks will share a hug which will seem to linger a bit too long. I’m just sayin…
Houston goes to Atlanta as a three-point favorite. Atlanta will continue to burn as the Texans (how in the heck did they come up with that name) will cover.
Baltimore in Cleveland. Ravens favored buy 4.5. Now here’s a kooky situation; a team going to a town they used to play in to play a team named after the team they used to be… The team who’s name was inspired by an Edgar Allen Poe poem should cover.
Chicago will go to Detroit favored by 3. Bob Griese’s son will prove no better than Interception-a-saurus Rex as the “Super Bowl Shuffle” become the “Windy City Death-spiral.” Detroit to upset.
Green Bay goes to Minnesota favored by a mere point-and-a-half (1.5) Sore-ee, Vikings fans, but even a Lutheran would bet on the Packers to cover. Lock City, doncha know!
Dallas host the Rams in what should be the kind of massacre that will have the folks ‘round the Gateway to the West muttering “Yeah, but remember last year’s World Series?!?!” Cowboys to cover the 13 points they’re giving.
NY Jets are a 3.5 point favorite while visiting the Bills. It is quite possible that the brightest story for Buffalo this season will be Kevin Everett’s recovery. Jets will cover.
Tampa Bay goes into Carolina as a three point underdog. After a big toke on the crack pipe, I’m gonna say Tampa to upset!
Seattle goes to San Francisco as a two point favorite. My team is the ‘Hawks, so I’m gonna pick ‘em. (But if you want to make any money, bet on the ‘Niners.)
Though Pittsburgh will not cover the 6 points they’re giving the Cards, forty-somethings will have reason to wave their Terrible Towels in glee as the Steelers win.
Chargers are a twelve point favorite at home against Kansas City. When I think about this game, I have a vision of LT dancing around in front of the Chief bench, pointing at his butt and then pointing at the Chiefs and then doing air kisses… he’s such a class act. In my vision the wheels will stay on the bandwagon for at least one more week and SD will cover.
Indy is a 9.5 point favorite against Denver in the RCA Dome. Multiply that number by two and you’ll get what will be the actual margin of victory of the Colts over the Broncs.
Maybe it’s the mushroom tea talkin’ but I still like Donovan McNaab… is he black? This game will be decided in the last seconds by a 58 yard field goal. Eagles will win, cover.
New England will win at Cincinnati but not cover the 7.5 spread. After the game the two quarterbacks will share a hug which will seem to linger a bit too long. I’m just sayin…
Friday, September 21, 2007
Week (or just weak) 3 NFL Picks
Wow. Last week hurt. I mean it really hurt.
Indianapolis at Houston. Spread is Colts -6. Indy will win but will not cover.
San Diego at Green Bay. Spread is Chargers -5, which is funny because Green Bay is going to win that game.
Minnesota at Kansas City. Spread is Chiefs -3. Again, I’ll go against those who know more than I do and I’ll pick Minnesota to win.
Detroit at Philadelphia. Spread is Eagles -6.5. Philly will wind but will not cover.
Buffalo at New England. Spread is Pats -16.5. Pat will win but will not cover.
Miami at NY Jets. Spread is Jets -3. I think the Jets will win and cover.
San Francisco at Pittsburgh. Spread is Steelers -9. Steelers will win and cover.
Arizona at Baltimore. Spread it Baltimore -8. Baltimore will win, but not cover.
St. Louis at Tampa Bay. Spread is Bucks -3.5. Bet on the Bucks to cover!!!
Jacksonville at Denver. Spread is Broncos -3. Denver is not for real and will lose.
Cincinnati at Seattle. Spread is Sea Hawks -3.5. Hawks to win and cover. (Unless they fumble.)
Cleveland at Oakland. Spread is Oakland -3. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but look for Raiders to win and cover.
Carolina at Atlanta. Spread is Carolina -4. Panthers win, cover.
NY Giants at Washington. Spread is ‘Skins -4. Redskins win and cover.
Dallas at Chicago. Spread is Bears -3. Dallas will win this one.
Tennessee at New Orleans. Spread is Saints -4.5 Sad, but Titans will win.
Indianapolis at Houston. Spread is Colts -6. Indy will win but will not cover.
San Diego at Green Bay. Spread is Chargers -5, which is funny because Green Bay is going to win that game.
Minnesota at Kansas City. Spread is Chiefs -3. Again, I’ll go against those who know more than I do and I’ll pick Minnesota to win.
Detroit at Philadelphia. Spread is Eagles -6.5. Philly will wind but will not cover.
Buffalo at New England. Spread is Pats -16.5. Pat will win but will not cover.
Miami at NY Jets. Spread is Jets -3. I think the Jets will win and cover.
San Francisco at Pittsburgh. Spread is Steelers -9. Steelers will win and cover.
Arizona at Baltimore. Spread it Baltimore -8. Baltimore will win, but not cover.
St. Louis at Tampa Bay. Spread is Bucks -3.5. Bet on the Bucks to cover!!!
Jacksonville at Denver. Spread is Broncos -3. Denver is not for real and will lose.
Cincinnati at Seattle. Spread is Sea Hawks -3.5. Hawks to win and cover. (Unless they fumble.)
Cleveland at Oakland. Spread is Oakland -3. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but look for Raiders to win and cover.
Carolina at Atlanta. Spread is Carolina -4. Panthers win, cover.
NY Giants at Washington. Spread is ‘Skins -4. Redskins win and cover.
Dallas at Chicago. Spread is Bears -3. Dallas will win this one.
Tennessee at New Orleans. Spread is Saints -4.5 Sad, but Titans will win.
The Visitors Would Like You to Know...
by Wendy Gillam
Just wanted to share with everyone that, in these troubled times, we are under the constant watch and care of other, higher life forms. I cannot overstate the degree to which these Visitors care about and are invested in the fortunes of our planet.
Keep your chin up.
Just wanted to share with everyone that, in these troubled times, we are under the constant watch and care of other, higher life forms. I cannot overstate the degree to which these Visitors care about and are invested in the fortunes of our planet.
Keep your chin up.
Friday, September 14, 2007
NFL Week Two
by T
Below are my week two picks for use in dominating office pools (spreads are for suckers!)
Be warned; I was 13 and three last week and if precedence counts for any thing, I should go 3 and 13 this week. So, here they are, hope you can use 'em.
1. Houston is going into Carolina with a head of steam, but will have no answer for Steve Smith and the Panthers should even up.
2. Cincinnati should prevail in the battle of “Towns You Spent a Week in One Day,” and send the Browns to oh-and-two.
3. You can’t spell “Victory” without “Vic.” Jacksonville will get win number one at home over Atlanta.
4. Green Bay at New York. Questions on everybody’s mind; “Is Green Bay that good, or was Philly that bad?” “Is Eli that good or is the Dallas secondary that bad?” and “How is it that these two teams come onto the field dressed as football players when so many other franchises these days are dressing their guys up in ballroom-dancing costumes (Atlanta, Minnesota, Arizona)?” I think New York has the best uniform in the league and, therefore will win.
5. There is no longer a steel curtain in Pittsburgh, but a starched doily could keep the Bills out of the end-zone. Look for the band-wagon to begin loading up as the Steelers remain undefeated.
6. I don’t mean to sound catty, but San Fransisco should pummel St. Louis like they were wearing white shoes after Labor Day.
7. New Orleans goes cross-gulf to Tampa. Now here’s a helpless victim the Saints can exploit for entertainment’s sake and then leave for dead.
8. Indianapolis vs. Tennessee. Remember when the Houston Oilers used to beat up on the Baltimore Colts? No? Well, you’ll probably be hard-pressed to find any ironic, entertainment value in the massacre disguised as a football game which will take place on the Titans home field. Er, I mean, the Colts should win.
9. Seattle at Arizona. While the Seahawks D looked scary, their offense looked to be as thrill-packed as a ride on a glacier. With Seneca Wallis freed up to catch passes, the Seahawks, on paper, look better than the Cards, but as I have said in the past, the hallmark of Emerald City teams is the Grande Double Choke… however, Leinhart is one heck-of-a schlub… so, I’m picking the ‘Hawks.
10. Minnesota in Detroit. Two unknown quantities, two dome teams, two… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… wha’… where was I? Oh, yeah Vikings will win.
11. Cowboys vs. the Dolphins. Remember when a coach named Tom wore a suit and hat to every game? No? Well… well… hmm… don’t know where I’m going with this… Anyhow, look for Dallas to perpetrate a bloody, drift-net operation in Miami.
12. You could dress Chad Pennington up in pantyhose and a fur coat and I still wouldn’t buy him as a pro quarterback. Jets will lose in Baltimore. (And if you know what I’m talking about, you are really, really old!)
13. Pass the kielbasa! The Bears are gonna look like Da Bears again against KC!
14. Oakland at Denver. M’kay, Nation, instead of wasting time watching your team’s public humiliation this Sunday, maybe you could go do something more constructive like, pay some child-support, or bail your lady out of jail. Just a thought.
15. I sincerely wish that San Diego would slap the bejesus out of New England, heck, I’d even settle for a close game, but I’ve just got this clairvoyant sense that Phil Rivers will be flying home with something shaped remarkably similar to Jarvis Green’s cleat jammed up his rectum. Those friggin Pats will win.
16. Oh, man do the Eagles need to beat Washington. I don’t know if they can, but I’ll pick ‘em at home anyway.
Below are my week two picks for use in dominating office pools (spreads are for suckers!)
Be warned; I was 13 and three last week and if precedence counts for any thing, I should go 3 and 13 this week. So, here they are, hope you can use 'em.
1. Houston is going into Carolina with a head of steam, but will have no answer for Steve Smith and the Panthers should even up.
2. Cincinnati should prevail in the battle of “Towns You Spent a Week in One Day,” and send the Browns to oh-and-two.
3. You can’t spell “Victory” without “Vic.” Jacksonville will get win number one at home over Atlanta.
4. Green Bay at New York. Questions on everybody’s mind; “Is Green Bay that good, or was Philly that bad?” “Is Eli that good or is the Dallas secondary that bad?” and “How is it that these two teams come onto the field dressed as football players when so many other franchises these days are dressing their guys up in ballroom-dancing costumes (Atlanta, Minnesota, Arizona)?” I think New York has the best uniform in the league and, therefore will win.
5. There is no longer a steel curtain in Pittsburgh, but a starched doily could keep the Bills out of the end-zone. Look for the band-wagon to begin loading up as the Steelers remain undefeated.
6. I don’t mean to sound catty, but San Fransisco should pummel St. Louis like they were wearing white shoes after Labor Day.
7. New Orleans goes cross-gulf to Tampa. Now here’s a helpless victim the Saints can exploit for entertainment’s sake and then leave for dead.
8. Indianapolis vs. Tennessee. Remember when the Houston Oilers used to beat up on the Baltimore Colts? No? Well, you’ll probably be hard-pressed to find any ironic, entertainment value in the massacre disguised as a football game which will take place on the Titans home field. Er, I mean, the Colts should win.
9. Seattle at Arizona. While the Seahawks D looked scary, their offense looked to be as thrill-packed as a ride on a glacier. With Seneca Wallis freed up to catch passes, the Seahawks, on paper, look better than the Cards, but as I have said in the past, the hallmark of Emerald City teams is the Grande Double Choke… however, Leinhart is one heck-of-a schlub… so, I’m picking the ‘Hawks.
10. Minnesota in Detroit. Two unknown quantities, two dome teams, two… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… wha’… where was I? Oh, yeah Vikings will win.
11. Cowboys vs. the Dolphins. Remember when a coach named Tom wore a suit and hat to every game? No? Well… well… hmm… don’t know where I’m going with this… Anyhow, look for Dallas to perpetrate a bloody, drift-net operation in Miami.
12. You could dress Chad Pennington up in pantyhose and a fur coat and I still wouldn’t buy him as a pro quarterback. Jets will lose in Baltimore. (And if you know what I’m talking about, you are really, really old!)
13. Pass the kielbasa! The Bears are gonna look like Da Bears again against KC!
14. Oakland at Denver. M’kay, Nation, instead of wasting time watching your team’s public humiliation this Sunday, maybe you could go do something more constructive like, pay some child-support, or bail your lady out of jail. Just a thought.
15. I sincerely wish that San Diego would slap the bejesus out of New England, heck, I’d even settle for a close game, but I’ve just got this clairvoyant sense that Phil Rivers will be flying home with something shaped remarkably similar to Jarvis Green’s cleat jammed up his rectum. Those friggin Pats will win.
16. Oh, man do the Eagles need to beat Washington. I don’t know if they can, but I’ll pick ‘em at home anyway.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
My Infallible NFL Week One predictions
1. The Colts will send the Saints a Marchin’ on in to Tampa Bay with a 0 and 1 record.
2. Donovan McNabb will throw just a few more passes to players in Eagles uniforms than Brett Favre will and Philly will have the Green Bay fans dreaming of... nay... praying for the arrival of ice-fishing season.
3. Though I have no idea which is faster, a horse or an American bison, I do know that the professional football team from Denver will gallop over the “professional” football team from Buffalo.
4. I think Pittsburg will get a scare in Cleveland, (that’s right, Cleveland) but will come away 1 and 0.
5. The outcome of the “Are They Crappy or Good This Year?” Bowl will be Carolina 21, St. Louis 17
6. The battle for the NFL’s worst “up-dated” uniform will be a close one, but Minnesota should take both the title and the game Vikings 21, Atlanta 14.
7. If anyone in the nation cares, Houston will beat Kansas City.
8. Get ready for a big dose of Dynasty blather when the Patriots savage the hapless Jets in their own house.
9. Yeeehaaawwww! Jacksonville gonna smack Tennessee like a thirteen-year-old bride!!!
10. In what is not a Super Bowl preview, San Diego will top Chicago.
11. Seattle vs Tampa Bay… I’m a little waffle-y on this one… Seattle is a team with profound ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory… but still, I'll go with the Seahacks over the Suckanears.
12. Not the extra layer of grease-paint, not the tinfoil hat, not the chains, not the spikes nor Darth Vader mask is gonna help the Dummest Fans Alive; Detroit 21, Raiders 10
13. For those of you who remember Sesame Street:
One of these Mannings is not like the o-thers.
One of these Mannings is not the same.
Can you guess which Manning is not like the others?
Yes, you can… just watch the Dallas game!
Dallas 21, New York 13
14. Cason Palmer vs. the Raven defense... Ocho Sinco wins!
15. Count on Clinton Portis to run on the Dolphins as if they were beached whales.
And finally;
16. Arizona should be able to come out on top in their Slap-fight Royal against San Francisco.
Now, get to your bookie and make that money!!!
2. Donovan McNabb will throw just a few more passes to players in Eagles uniforms than Brett Favre will and Philly will have the Green Bay fans dreaming of... nay... praying for the arrival of ice-fishing season.
3. Though I have no idea which is faster, a horse or an American bison, I do know that the professional football team from Denver will gallop over the “professional” football team from Buffalo.
4. I think Pittsburg will get a scare in Cleveland, (that’s right, Cleveland) but will come away 1 and 0.
5. The outcome of the “Are They Crappy or Good This Year?” Bowl will be Carolina 21, St. Louis 17
6. The battle for the NFL’s worst “up-dated” uniform will be a close one, but Minnesota should take both the title and the game Vikings 21, Atlanta 14.
7. If anyone in the nation cares, Houston will beat Kansas City.
8. Get ready for a big dose of Dynasty blather when the Patriots savage the hapless Jets in their own house.
9. Yeeehaaawwww! Jacksonville gonna smack Tennessee like a thirteen-year-old bride!!!
10. In what is not a Super Bowl preview, San Diego will top Chicago.
11. Seattle vs Tampa Bay… I’m a little waffle-y on this one… Seattle is a team with profound ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory… but still, I'll go with the Seahacks over the Suckanears.
12. Not the extra layer of grease-paint, not the tinfoil hat, not the chains, not the spikes nor Darth Vader mask is gonna help the Dummest Fans Alive; Detroit 21, Raiders 10
13. For those of you who remember Sesame Street:
One of these Mannings is not like the o-thers.
One of these Mannings is not the same.
Can you guess which Manning is not like the others?
Yes, you can… just watch the Dallas game!
Dallas 21, New York 13
14. Cason Palmer vs. the Raven defense... Ocho Sinco wins!
15. Count on Clinton Portis to run on the Dolphins as if they were beached whales.
And finally;
16. Arizona should be able to come out on top in their Slap-fight Royal against San Francisco.
Now, get to your bookie and make that money!!!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
The Curious Non-case of Senator Larry Craig
by T
"The closet just keeps gettin' deeper don't it?"
Carl Merriman, drunken rant part II
Ya’ know you know who I really have sympathy for in this pathetic misadventure? The poor cop who had to pose as the "cute, blond guy" bait. What will his legacy be?
I picture him in his retirement years, grandchildren all assembled at his feet: "I tell you what kids, back in ought-seven I was the fella who took down Senator Craig! Yes, sir, I sat right there in that airport men's room while other fellas were dropping deuces all around me and I pretended to signal that I was interested in some homo-sexual lewd conduct - ask your daddies what that is - right there on the commode until ol' 'Pervy Larry' slid his foot over and started caressing mine and then WHAMO! It was off to the clink for the 'Distinguished Gentleman Lover.' Heh, heh, I've never been so proud to wear the uniform... Actually, I wasn't wearing a uniform at the time... unless you call a pair of white cut-off shorts and a black mesh tank top a uniform... Did I ever tell you about the time I tazered that pregnant gal?"
And, oh, yeah... I also have great sympathy for Western Civilization… it was nice while it lasted.
"The closet just keeps gettin' deeper don't it?"
Carl Merriman, drunken rant part II
Ya’ know you know who I really have sympathy for in this pathetic misadventure? The poor cop who had to pose as the "cute, blond guy" bait. What will his legacy be?
I picture him in his retirement years, grandchildren all assembled at his feet: "I tell you what kids, back in ought-seven I was the fella who took down Senator Craig! Yes, sir, I sat right there in that airport men's room while other fellas were dropping deuces all around me and I pretended to signal that I was interested in some homo-sexual lewd conduct - ask your daddies what that is - right there on the commode until ol' 'Pervy Larry' slid his foot over and started caressing mine and then WHAMO! It was off to the clink for the 'Distinguished Gentleman Lover.' Heh, heh, I've never been so proud to wear the uniform... Actually, I wasn't wearing a uniform at the time... unless you call a pair of white cut-off shorts and a black mesh tank top a uniform... Did I ever tell you about the time I tazered that pregnant gal?"
And, oh, yeah... I also have great sympathy for Western Civilization… it was nice while it lasted.
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