Me Thinks the Lady Doth Booeth too Much

Barry Bonds and the Giants are coming to our town this week to play the Dodgers and possibly, to make history. There has been a lot of speculation locally as to what sort of protests, if any, will be permissible should Bonds tie or break Hank Aaron’s homerun record at Chaves Ravine. Arguably, Barry Bonds is booed longer and louder at Dodger Stadium than at any other venue in the country. For Dodger fans he is Darth Vader, Hannibal Lector and Hitler all rolled into one. It is bad enough that he has been a consistent spoiler of outings here, but now he has the opportunity to eclipse a hallowed record held by a down-right likeable guy in our very own house! It will be hard to contain the Blue wrath should this event come to pass. Bud Selig’s best attempts may not be enough to ensure a nice, sanitized bit of video for the Cooperstown vault.

It is a sticky problem with which Major League Baseball now grapples; one of the most reviled figures in sports is now poised to achieve one of the game’s most celebrated milestones and doing so under the most questionable of circumstances. It’s enough to give a commissioner a nasty fit of the vapors. However, in all fairness, the problem is not Barry Bonds at all. Barry Bonds is merely a symptom.

Way back in the nineties when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were racking up long balls like the Kennedys rack up grave plots, there was a lot of talk about the balls being “juiced.” The only conceivable reason for this amazing spike on power had to be a change in the equipment, right? Well, as we now know, it wasn’t the balls that were being juiced… it was the owners. Turns out this new homerun derby provided a nice shot of good ‘old American dollars to their fat, white asses... and my, how quickly a Jones develops.

So, it fell to uber-lackey Bud Selig to helm the official Lookin’ the Other Way program while seats filled and we slack-jawed suckers gaped and gawked and just couldn’t get over how fortunate we were to be witnessing such a spectacular show of athletic skill in our lifetime. Gee, didn’t we all just adore that classy-guy Mark McGwire (and wow, was there was a whole lot more classy-guy on his frame now than when he played on the Olympic team!) Too bad that big, bad cheater-pants Barry Bonds had to come and spoil the party.

When it was rosy-cheeked Mark McGwire striding around the base-paths on oak-trunk thighs it really didn’t matter what was behind such a phenomenal performance. It was a nice story and nice stories justify their own means. Now we have a blue-ribbon crap-noggin’ knocking ‘em out and well, we find that it rather sucks. So we moan and complain. Poor us! What did we, the fans, ever do to deserve this? What indeed.

Poor, poor us.

Whaaaa????

by Leroy Nemmy

This story caused a shift in my paradigm so radical, I fell right over on my face! http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19934792/
To think that if brown people are able to feed their families, to provide a minimal about of security for their loved ones - they stop blowing themselves up??? Good God, that is weird!

Of course, we always knew that European folks, those good 'ol Caucasians, were evolved enough to strive for better lives - but Mediterraneans? Who'd have guessed. Well, just goes to show what you can learn through focus groups.

Thank goodness for this news, because it has to be like, way cheaper to shower a population in Nike shoes than it is to kill them all!

Fight Nite

Though shameful to admit, I must confess to the fact that I had no idea the popularity of dog-fighting until the Michael Vick drama began to unfold. I’ve never seen a real-live dog fight and the only organized animal on animal contest I’ve ever witnessed was a cock fight. It seemed to be over before it began and I didn’t have any money on it so to me the whole affair was about as exciting as watching someone whack a down sleeping bag with a garden rake. I don’t get the animal fighting thing. It’s not that I’m against finding entertainment in violence – far from it – it’s just that I don’t see much fun in observing any two creatures pummeling each other unless those two creatures happen to have opposable thumbs and a big ol’ sense of self-awareness.
Humans fighting humans has probably been the biggest single source of good times in the history of mankind. You have your gladiators, your jousters, your Tennessee wedding parties, etc. We as a species just love to see our brethren b**** slap our brethren. And, as we have (allegedly) evolved as a species, so to have the styles of combat we consider entertainment. Boxing, Judo, Fencing, are all forms of fighting which have now become formal sports. This is all well and good I suppose, but another recent story got me to thinking.
When I heard the news about John Lovitz and Andy Dick, I immediately began combing the internet for video. I didn’t find any footage of those two knuckle-heads, but I did find plenty other footage of various amateur fisticuffs. And, after extensive research, I now feel confident to put forward this assertion; There is nothing more entertaining than watching two equally matched, equally inexperienced, equally furious human beings going at it toe-to-toe – nothing.
I know there are a lot of Ultimate Fighting fans out there and that’s cool -it seems like there’s more than a couple of folks in that sport with some major screws loose and I do occasionally read about someone getting seriously hurt in the ring or octagon or cage or whatever - but something is definitely missing. Way back before there was Ultimate Fighting, my buddies and I used to shell out big bucks to watch something on pay-per view called shoot-fighting (or was it chute-fighting?). What made these fights so great was the fact that the combatants were mainly washed-up ex-football players and college wrestlers. It was an awesome spectacle of incompetent rage fueled by ego and absurd levels of synthetic testosterone. Now-a-days all you’ve got is a bunch of athletes who train and more often than not know what they’re doing. Boooring! We, as fighting fans have placed way to much importance on skill for way too long.
What we need is an Ultimate Non-fighters Fighting Championship Series. Think about it. How cool would a no-holds-barred Ryan Seacrest vs. Kevin Federline Submission Match be? Those delicate features, those feminine hands… a Slap-Fight Royal!
And there are other match-ups that would be guaranteed cash cows;
Barry Bonds vs. Jose Conseco - More fitting than induction in Cooperstown would be the lasting memory of these two three-hundred-pound base-ball cheatin’ bastards with womens’ breasts beating the tar out of each other until they both collapsed from heart attacks. Ah, sweet justice.
George Bush vs. Richard Simmons – Would easily go down in history as the most dignified act attributable to either one of them.
Adam Sandler vs. Tom Cruise – The idea being that a clash of the two most annoying forces of nature would cancel both out permanently.
Axel Rose vs. Tommy Hilfiger re-match – Though, the inevitable spike in emergency room cases laughter-split sides would have to be planned for.
Alex Rodriquez vs. Derek Jeeter – Admittedly, not very interesting… until the broke down and started French-kissing (and you know they would.)
I have many, many more match-up I would love to see… but it’s getting sort of late in the day and… well, I just now realized this whole bit is pretty weak… sorry.

Those Wacky, Wacky Hamas Guys

Recently, Hamas replaced the mascot/star of it's popular children's' program "Pioneers of Tomorrow." Originally, the show was hosted by a large, mouse who bore a striking resemblance to another, more American mouse who's name begins with "M" and rhymes with hickey.
http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=b7844cc3-3bc7-4636-a539-f614616e4d3e&f=06/64&fg=copy
What struck me was not the complete ghastliness of this program, but the fact that, evidently, the only thing which appears to frighten the cold-blooded murderers who produced this monstrosity is the threat of a copyright infringement suit.

The Lamest Generation...

by t

Oh, my goodness! How in the world did anyone ever raise a child to adulthood before the information age?

http://health.msn.com/centers/adhd/slideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=100163625

What I really love is the picture of that kid gleefully digging into a heaping plate of steamed fish and vegetables.

Cats That Look Like Hitler

Here is a great site for you folks who are into cats and history's greatest despot.
http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/cgi-bin/seigmiaow.pl

For the REAL Cat Lovers

The following link was sent to me by a long-time friend. He is and probably always will be Leroy Nemmy's arch nemesis...
T
http://whatjeffkilled.com/051907.html