by T
Recently, on Nightline, it was reported that Hostess Twinkies contain no less than thirty-nine ingredients. Our sources have indicated these are:
01. A Big Scoop of Tender Loving Care
02. Double Dollops of Joy
03. Yellow # 4 Lead Paint
04. Partially hydrogenated Styrofoam
05. Baby harp seal liver oil
06. Bakers yeast
08. Sweat and hair fibers from undocumented worker
09. Distilled Twink extract.
10. Vaseline
11. Gelatin rendered from the hooves of race horses that "just had that attitude."
12. Aspen Glow
13. Synthetic marshmallow spread
14. Barry Bonds Old Tyme Medicated "Knee Cream" (wink, wink)
15. Varnish (as a preservative)
16. Industrial strength Fresh Sugar smell.
17. Salt and salt rind
18. Cinnamon Powder (not the brown spice, but the actual powder held within the necklace vile worn by "Cinnamon" of Crazy Girls.)
19. Imitation water
20. Trace amounts of frosting
21. Big squirt from that tube with the label rubbed off
22. No more than 3% spider eggs
23. Lard Lite
24. Good, Old-Fashioned Yankee Know-How or Know-How substitute.
25. Food-grade fiberglass (as filler)
26. Teeny-tiny, little micro-chips... Don't worry about it... seriously.
27. Xanthan gum
28. Xanthan gum solvent
29. Enriched Caffeine
30. Sea turtle egg whites
31. Processed dimemythlbutane curd
33. The Hopes and Dreams of Our Board Chairman
34. Corndog trimmings
35. Baking soda (as "aroma" suppressant)
36. Pork-based sweetener
37. Silica
38. Non-Kosher Uber-leavener
39. Dash of bleached flour.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
An Oldie but a Goodie
After a long hiatus bow-hunting turtles with Leroy Nemmy (more on that later,) I am back at work. For the time being, in lieu of fresh, new, thought provoking content I will be posting favorite "re-runs." I feel the following letter, while dated, is none-the-less relevant as an expression of the deep reverence all citizens should posses for our esteemed leader in his times of trial.
T
President Bush;
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
4. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put death, should I do it or should I ask the police to do it?
5. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Aren't there 'degrees' of abomination?
6. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20 or is there a little wiggle room there?
7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
8. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
9. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Sincerely,
An American
T
President Bush;
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
4. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put death, should I do it or should I ask the police to do it?
5. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Aren't there 'degrees' of abomination?
6. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20 or is there a little wiggle room there?
7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
8. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
9. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Sincerely,
An American
Monday, June 11, 2007
Sopranos Bullocks
by Nigel Farthingham
One of the greatest joys of my work here on the left side of the Pond has been inclusion in my colleagues’ discussions of all things socially important. Chief among these concerns are the rising and falling fortunes of characters from the telly. It requires but one season or series finale to send my office mates into a daylong fit of nattering, chattering away the day like a bunch of coffee addled hairdressers.
It is therefore in the interest of a return to commerce that I offer this; Tony Soprano is dead. It is not ambiguous. It is not left open for interpretation. It is a fact. The water cooler has been abuzz today with Monday morning screen-writers deconstruction the final chapter in the Sopranos saga. There was not a soul in the office who could even think of spreadsheets or faxes or reports. It was a firestorm of controversy the like of which has not been seen since Sanjaya made his inglorious exit from Colonial Idol. What was to become of Tony? Of Carmela? The children? What did it all mean? I am happy to report that not a single one of my office mates got it right.
The problem is - as the problem with the Sopranos and it's audience has always been – that Yank viewers allow themselves to believe (and Don’t Stop Believin’) that David Chase is somehow holding up a window into another world when his is, in fact, holding up a mirror. This is not to say that the general viewership is comprised of crime bosses and their kin – unless, of course, you consider your average American in the same terms that the rest of the world does – it is to say that the AJ, Carmela and Medoe, like their countrymen are all blissfully and ignorantly skipping down the same well-intended path that the sons and daughters of the original Founding Godfathers, traverse.
No better example of the American ethos is made than that presented in the figure of Anthony Junior. Here is a young man who is able to consider the real inequities and tragedies of life only in the context of his own, stupid, heart-broken, self pity. To the younger Soprano, suffering is nothing more than the temporary extension of his dismal outlook to the sound bites and info-tainment articles which comprise his world-view. AJ is only compelled to act in the interest of the larger society until another, more self-satisfying distraction comes along in the form of employment fetching coffee for a pornography mogul.
It is testament indeed to the tenacity with which Americans cling to their delusions that this final episode, so stark and obvious, could lead my co-workers to formulate an opinion that this Soprano clan should persist immune to Newton’s Third Law – that they are destined to carry on as before without result, without end. Anthony JR will remain forever unimpeded by responsibility and unmoved by ambition, Medoe will continue on the road to success defending the downtrodden, oppressed Italian American, Carmela will complete her happy transformation from homemaker to businesswoman and Tony will remain surrounded by an adoring family. He will most certainly not fall prey to the same fate he described not long before to the doomed Bobby Bacala; “You don’t feel nothing. [when “whacked”] You just fade to black.” And so they shall go on forever, seated in their diner, eating fried foods, listening to Journey, believing, believing and believing without cease.
Americans. I detest them all.
One of the greatest joys of my work here on the left side of the Pond has been inclusion in my colleagues’ discussions of all things socially important. Chief among these concerns are the rising and falling fortunes of characters from the telly. It requires but one season or series finale to send my office mates into a daylong fit of nattering, chattering away the day like a bunch of coffee addled hairdressers.
It is therefore in the interest of a return to commerce that I offer this; Tony Soprano is dead. It is not ambiguous. It is not left open for interpretation. It is a fact. The water cooler has been abuzz today with Monday morning screen-writers deconstruction the final chapter in the Sopranos saga. There was not a soul in the office who could even think of spreadsheets or faxes or reports. It was a firestorm of controversy the like of which has not been seen since Sanjaya made his inglorious exit from Colonial Idol. What was to become of Tony? Of Carmela? The children? What did it all mean? I am happy to report that not a single one of my office mates got it right.
The problem is - as the problem with the Sopranos and it's audience has always been – that Yank viewers allow themselves to believe (and Don’t Stop Believin’) that David Chase is somehow holding up a window into another world when his is, in fact, holding up a mirror. This is not to say that the general viewership is comprised of crime bosses and their kin – unless, of course, you consider your average American in the same terms that the rest of the world does – it is to say that the AJ, Carmela and Medoe, like their countrymen are all blissfully and ignorantly skipping down the same well-intended path that the sons and daughters of the original Founding Godfathers, traverse.
No better example of the American ethos is made than that presented in the figure of Anthony Junior. Here is a young man who is able to consider the real inequities and tragedies of life only in the context of his own, stupid, heart-broken, self pity. To the younger Soprano, suffering is nothing more than the temporary extension of his dismal outlook to the sound bites and info-tainment articles which comprise his world-view. AJ is only compelled to act in the interest of the larger society until another, more self-satisfying distraction comes along in the form of employment fetching coffee for a pornography mogul.
It is testament indeed to the tenacity with which Americans cling to their delusions that this final episode, so stark and obvious, could lead my co-workers to formulate an opinion that this Soprano clan should persist immune to Newton’s Third Law – that they are destined to carry on as before without result, without end. Anthony JR will remain forever unimpeded by responsibility and unmoved by ambition, Medoe will continue on the road to success defending the downtrodden, oppressed Italian American, Carmela will complete her happy transformation from homemaker to businesswoman and Tony will remain surrounded by an adoring family. He will most certainly not fall prey to the same fate he described not long before to the doomed Bobby Bacala; “You don’t feel nothing. [when “whacked”] You just fade to black.” And so they shall go on forever, seated in their diner, eating fried foods, listening to Journey, believing, believing and believing without cease.
Americans. I detest them all.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Leroy Nemmy is a Big, Fat Idiot.
By Sarah Beck
Here are 10 reasons why cats are better than men!
1. You will never come home to find your cat wearing your panties and your “I wish these were brains” t-shirt.
2. A cat would never ask you to help him steal a Camaro on the first date.
3. A cat will never pose as a successful rodeo clown to get into your pants.
4. A cat will never lord his GED over you.
5. A cat will never feign death after love-making.
6. A cat will never make you dress up in a crotch-less Jeff Gordon costume.
7. A cat will nevere drug your sour apple martini, take you to across the border and sell you to the Mexican army.
8. A cat will never will never eat too many mushrooms and burn down your carport.
9. A cat will never secretly share you with his twin.
10. A cat will never make you climb out the bedroom window if he hears his “cleaning lady” come home.
MEN SUCK!!!!!!!!!!
Here are 10 reasons why cats are better than men!
1. You will never come home to find your cat wearing your panties and your “I wish these were brains” t-shirt.
2. A cat would never ask you to help him steal a Camaro on the first date.
3. A cat will never pose as a successful rodeo clown to get into your pants.
4. A cat will never lord his GED over you.
5. A cat will never feign death after love-making.
6. A cat will never make you dress up in a crotch-less Jeff Gordon costume.
7. A cat will nevere drug your sour apple martini, take you to across the border and sell you to the Mexican army.
8. A cat will never will never eat too many mushrooms and burn down your carport.
9. A cat will never secretly share you with his twin.
10. A cat will never make you climb out the bedroom window if he hears his “cleaning lady” come home.
MEN SUCK!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Suburban Hunting 101
by Leroy Nemmy
It’s moments like these that make life worth living. You can share in this magic too. All it takes is the right equipment, proper training and adequate planning. Over the next weeks and months we will explore each of these facets in detail.
Now that’s good, wholesome fun!
It was a glorious spring morning. Glistening dew be-jeweled the grass and clover which concealed my position. Through a camouflage tunic I could feel cool dampness on my skin yet I was flushed, my palms sweating. Some twenty yards distant, lolling in the first rays of sunlight, oblivious to my presence, a giant angora was frittering away his last earthly moments licking his genitals and dreaming of nothing.
I leveled my sights and exhaled half-way. I squeezed the trigger. “Booya!” barked my Benjamin Model 397 Bolt Action Variable Pump Pellet Rifle, a multi-pump pneumatic with a sleek, hardwood Monte Carlo stock and a raised cheekpiece, it’s rifled brass barrel finished in black sending a pellet screaming at 800 fps. “Booyaka!” A mass of bad-breath and grey fur leaped two feet into the air, flipped over once and glared back at me as if to say “Owww! What the hell? Hey, man, I’m getting really dizzy. Whoa, what’s that bright light? Is that Elvis? Mother? I’m coming, Mother – just gonna lick my junk one more ti…” then dropped like a sack of fishy-smelling potatoes.
I leveled my sights and exhaled half-way. I squeezed the trigger. “Booya!” barked my Benjamin Model 397 Bolt Action Variable Pump Pellet Rifle, a multi-pump pneumatic with a sleek, hardwood Monte Carlo stock and a raised cheekpiece, it’s rifled brass barrel finished in black sending a pellet screaming at 800 fps. “Booyaka!” A mass of bad-breath and grey fur leaped two feet into the air, flipped over once and glared back at me as if to say “Owww! What the hell? Hey, man, I’m getting really dizzy. Whoa, what’s that bright light? Is that Elvis? Mother? I’m coming, Mother – just gonna lick my junk one more ti…” then dropped like a sack of fishy-smelling potatoes.
It’s moments like these that make life worth living. You can share in this magic too. All it takes is the right equipment, proper training and adequate planning. Over the next weeks and months we will explore each of these facets in detail. OVER-VIEW
Successful hunting in suburbia requires stealth. While it may be great fun to send felis silvestris catus tumbling end over shredded end with a blast from your favorite 16 gauge, you’ll soon find that the noise from such firearms will be unwelcome by your neighbors as it would drown out the oh-so-pleasant bleating of car alarms or their punk kid-brothers fuzzed out speakers bumping Lil’ John. Better to go with a more discrete weapon. The little number pictured below is typical of the kind of tool you will need to “reach out and touch someone” while “on the down-low.”
Now that’s good, wholesome fun! Once you have your equipment in order, it is vital to educate yourself thoroughly in it’s use. I’m talking marksmanship, the foundation of our sport. We will start with the basics such as proper stance.
When finally in the field, you will benefit from a good strategy. Our quarry is a wily opponent, no doubt. You can increase your chances of bagging Mr. Whiskers by carefully planning each move. Choosing the proper shot will not only ensure a plentiful supply of violin strings for the winter – it may well save your life.
Finally, we will wrap things up with an on-line discussion; "Ethics - a necessary nuisance or just a bunch of BS.?"
I look forward to sharing this, the true American pass time with you.
Until next time, Good Shooting!
I look forward to sharing this, the true American pass time with you.
Until next time, Good Shooting!
Monday, June 4, 2007
The Thrill of the Chase
by Leroy Nemmy 
There are several places around the World that are special to me. There's that little brook near my granddad's farm where I learned how to swim, there's the trail up the back-side of Rock Mountain where I first saw a bobcat, there's that concealed corner of my roof where I can often times see into my Asian neighbor's bedroom and there's that vacant lot where my father taught me the gentle art of hunting.
Not so long ago, this venerable sport was not a sport at all, but a way of life and means of sustenance. My what a long way we have come… or have we? Seems everywhere you turn these days there’s some ninny admonishing “Don’t do this! Don’t do that!” Well I have one question for you nervous Nellys: Up Yours!
There are several places around the World that are special to me. There's that little brook near my granddad's farm where I learned how to swim, there's the trail up the back-side of Rock Mountain where I first saw a bobcat, there's that concealed corner of my roof where I can often times see into my Asian neighbor's bedroom and there's that vacant lot where my father taught me the gentle art of hunting.Now, I know what you're probably thinking; "Damn Nemmy has gone all sentimental and soft on us!" Well, I must admit to certain tender feelings and most precious of all is the joy of sub-urban big-game shooting. In a crazy world that can seem oh-so-topsy-turvey, there is nothing like the calming refuse to be found in stalking game from your own back steps.
A RICH AND NOBEL HISTORY
Not so long ago, this venerable sport was not a sport at all, but a way of life and means of sustenance. My what a long way we have come… or have we? Seems everywhere you turn these days there’s some ninny admonishing “Don’t do this! Don’t do that!” Well I have one question for you nervous Nellys: Up Yours!
In the series of articles to follow, I will instruct readers in the pursuit of this great sport. I will cover safety and strategy, lore and legend and in the end I hope to make the world a better place by making hunters out of one or many of you.
Good Shooting to all!
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