My Infallible NFL Week One predictions

1. The Colts will send the Saints a Marchin’ on in to Tampa Bay with a 0 and 1 record.

2. Donovan McNabb will throw just a few more passes to players in Eagles uniforms than Brett Favre will and Philly will have the Green Bay fans dreaming of... nay... praying for the arrival of ice-fishing season.

3. Though I have no idea which is faster, a horse or an American bison, I do know that the professional football team from Denver will gallop over the “professional” football team from Buffalo.

4. I think Pittsburg will get a scare in Cleveland, (that’s right, Cleveland) but will come away 1 and 0.

5. The outcome of the “Are They Crappy or Good This Year?” Bowl will be Carolina 21, St. Louis 17

6. The battle for the NFL’s worst “up-dated” uniform will be a close one, but Minnesota should take both the title and the game Vikings 21, Atlanta 14.

7. If anyone in the nation cares, Houston will beat Kansas City.

8. Get ready for a big dose of Dynasty blather when the Patriots savage the hapless Jets in their own house.

9. Yeeehaaawwww! Jacksonville gonna smack Tennessee like a thirteen-year-old bride!!!

10. In what is not a Super Bowl preview, San Diego will top Chicago.

11. Seattle vs Tampa Bay… I’m a little waffle-y on this one… Seattle is a team with profound ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory… but still, I'll go with the Seahacks over the Suckanears.

12. Not the extra layer of grease-paint, not the tinfoil hat, not the chains, not the spikes nor Darth Vader mask is gonna help the Dummest Fans Alive; Detroit 21, Raiders 10

13. For those of you who remember Sesame Street:
One of these Mannings is not like the o-thers.
One of these Mannings is not the same.
Can you guess which Manning is not like the others?
Yes, you can… just watch the Dallas game!
Dallas 21, New York 13

14. Cason Palmer vs. the Raven defense... Ocho Sinco wins!

15. Count on Clinton Portis to run on the Dolphins as if they were beached whales.

And finally;

16. Arizona should be able to come out on top in their Slap-fight Royal against San Francisco.

Now, get to your bookie and make that money!!!