NFL Week Two

by T

Below are my week two picks for use in dominating office pools (spreads are for suckers!)

Be warned; I was 13 and three last week and if precedence counts for any thing, I should go 3 and 13 this week. So, here they are, hope you can use 'em.

1. Houston is going into Carolina with a head of steam, but will have no answer for Steve Smith and the Panthers should even up.

2. Cincinnati should prevail in the battle of “Towns You Spent a Week in One Day,” and send the Browns to oh-and-two.

3. You can’t spell “Victory” without “Vic.” Jacksonville will get win number one at home over Atlanta.

4. Green Bay at New York. Questions on everybody’s mind; “Is Green Bay that good, or was Philly that bad?” “Is Eli that good or is the Dallas secondary that bad?” and “How is it that these two teams come onto the field dressed as football players when so many other franchises these days are dressing their guys up in ballroom-dancing costumes (Atlanta, Minnesota, Arizona)?” I think New York has the best uniform in the league and, therefore will win.

5. There is no longer a steel curtain in Pittsburgh, but a starched doily could keep the Bills out of the end-zone. Look for the band-wagon to begin loading up as the Steelers remain undefeated.

6. I don’t mean to sound catty, but San Fransisco should pummel St. Louis like they were wearing white shoes after Labor Day.

7. New Orleans goes cross-gulf to Tampa. Now here’s a helpless victim the Saints can exploit for entertainment’s sake and then leave for dead.

8. Indianapolis vs. Tennessee. Remember when the Houston Oilers used to beat up on the Baltimore Colts? No? Well, you’ll probably be hard-pressed to find any ironic, entertainment value in the massacre disguised as a football game which will take place on the Titans home field. Er, I mean, the Colts should win.

9. Seattle at Arizona. While the Seahawks D looked scary, their offense looked to be as thrill-packed as a ride on a glacier. With Seneca Wallis freed up to catch passes, the Seahawks, on paper, look better than the Cards, but as I have said in the past, the hallmark of Emerald City teams is the Grande Double Choke… however, Leinhart is one heck-of-a schlub… so, I’m picking the ‘Hawks.

10. Minnesota in Detroit. Two unknown quantities, two dome teams, two… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… wha’… where was I? Oh, yeah Vikings will win.

11. Cowboys vs. the Dolphins. Remember when a coach named Tom wore a suit and hat to every game? No? Well… well… hmm… don’t know where I’m going with this… Anyhow, look for Dallas to perpetrate a bloody, drift-net operation in Miami.

12. You could dress Chad Pennington up in pantyhose and a fur coat and I still wouldn’t buy him as a pro quarterback. Jets will lose in Baltimore. (And if you know what I’m talking about, you are really, really old!)

13. Pass the kielbasa! The Bears are gonna look like Da Bears again against KC!

14. Oakland at Denver. M’kay, Nation, instead of wasting time watching your team’s public humiliation this Sunday, maybe you could go do something more constructive like, pay some child-support, or bail your lady out of jail. Just a thought.

15. I sincerely wish that San Diego would slap the bejesus out of New England, heck, I’d even settle for a close game, but I’ve just got this clairvoyant sense that Phil Rivers will be flying home with something shaped remarkably similar to Jarvis Green’s cleat jammed up his rectum. Those friggin Pats will win.

16. Oh, man do the Eagles need to beat Washington. I don’t know if they can, but I’ll pick ‘em at home anyway.