Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Suburban Hunting 101

by Leroy Nemmy
It was a glorious spring morning. Glistening dew be-jeweled the grass and clover which concealed my position. Through a camouflage tunic I could feel cool dampness on my skin yet I was flushed, my palms sweating. Some twenty yards distant, lolling in the first rays of sunlight, oblivious to my presence, a giant angora was frittering away his last earthly moments licking his genitals and dreaming of nothing.

I leveled my sights and exhaled half-way. I squeezed the trigger. “Booya!” barked my Benjamin Model 397 Bolt Action Variable Pump Pellet Rifle, a multi-pump pneumatic with a sleek, hardwood Monte Carlo stock and a raised cheekpiece, it’s rifled brass barrel finished in black sending a pellet screaming at 800 fps. “Booyaka!” A mass of bad-breath and grey fur leaped two feet into the air, flipped over once and glared back at me as if to say Owww! What the hell? Hey, man, I’m getting really dizzy. Whoa, what’s that bright light? Is that Elvis? Mother? I’m coming, Mother – just gonna lick my junk one more ti…” then dropped like a sack of fishy-smelling potatoes.

It’s moments like these that make life worth living. You can share in this magic too. All it takes is the right equipment, proper training and adequate planning. Over the next weeks and months we will explore each of these facets in detail.


OVER-VIEW

Successful hunting in suburbia requires stealth. While it may be great fun to send felis silvestris catus tumbling end over shredded end with a blast from your favorite 16 gauge, you’ll soon find that the noise from such firearms will be unwelcome by your neighbors as it would drown out the oh-so-pleasant bleating of car alarms or their punk kid-brothers fuzzed out speakers bumping Lil’ John. Better to go with a more discrete weapon. The little number pictured below is typical of the kind of tool you will need to “reach out and touch someone” while “on the down-low.”

Now that’s good, wholesome fun!
Once you have your equipment in order, it is vital to educate yourself thoroughly in it’s use. I’m talking marksmanship, the foundation of our sport. We will start with the basics such as proper stance.


When finally in the field, you will benefit from a good strategy. Our quarry is a wily opponent, no doubt. You can increase your chances of bagging Mr. Whiskers by carefully planning each move. Choosing the proper shot will not only ensure a plentiful supply of violin strings for the winter – it may well save your life.
Finally, we will wrap things up with an on-line discussion; "Ethics - a necessary nuisance or just a bunch of BS.?"

I look forward to sharing this, the true American pass time with you.

Until next time, Good Shooting!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Do you do any guided hunts?

I'm willing to travel great distances and pay good money to bag my first suburban feline. I feel it would be the capstone to my otherwise great hunting experience. If at all possible I would like to target a nice tabby.

Thanks,

s**sou

T said...

s**sou, you dream big my friend.

Leroy is presently away bow-hunting for turtles. Look for new posts from him at the begining of July.