39 Flavors of Goodness

by T

Recently, on Nightline, it was reported that Hostess Twinkies contain no less than thirty-nine ingredients. Our sources have indicated these are:

01. A Big Scoop of Tender Loving Care
02. Double Dollops of Joy
03. Yellow # 4 Lead Paint
04. Partially hydrogenated Styrofoam
05. Baby harp seal liver oil
06. Bakers yeast
08. Sweat and hair fibers from undocumented worker
09. Distilled Twink extract.
10. Vaseline
11. Gelatin rendered from the hooves of race horses that "just had that attitude."
12. Aspen Glow
13. Synthetic marshmallow spread
14. Barry Bonds Old Tyme Medicated "Knee Cream" (wink, wink)
15. Varnish (as a preservative)
16. Industrial strength Fresh Sugar smell.
17. Salt and salt rind
18. Cinnamon Powder (not the brown spice, but the actual powder held within the necklace vile worn by "Cinnamon" of Crazy Girls.)
19. Imitation water
20. Trace amounts of frosting
21. Big squirt from that tube with the label rubbed off
22. No more than 3% spider eggs
23. Lard Lite
24. Good, Old-Fashioned Yankee Know-How or Know-How substitute.
25. Food-grade fiberglass (as filler)
26. Teeny-tiny, little micro-chips... Don't worry about it... seriously.
27. Xanthan gum
28. Xanthan gum solvent
29. Enriched Caffeine
30. Sea turtle egg whites
31. Processed dimemythlbutane curd
33. The Hopes and Dreams of Our Board Chairman
34. Corndog trimmings
35. Baking soda (as "aroma" suppressant)
36. Pork-based sweetener
37. Silica
38. Non-Kosher Uber-leavener
39. Dash of bleached flour.