The Ten Things I Want for "Christmas"

# 1. I’d like to be able to fly. Now, it’s taken me quite a bit of thought and introspection to place this ability above invisibility, but I finally reasoned that were I able to fly, then I could be nearly invisible in many situations so, I’m going with this as my number one.

#2. I’d like to posses the power of invisibility… for no greater reason than being able to totally freak people out at the dog park. (And too bad there isn't a cat equivalent to the dog park!)

#3. I’d like it if I had the power to induce un-controllable flatulence in others. I know this sound immature, but I would use this power only for good…

#4. I’d like it if I had a really authentic-sounding British accent. You wouldn’t believe the shyt you can get away with a British accent. It’s like a license to steal!!!

#5. I’d like it if I could invent some sort of device which would let other drivers know which way a person was intending to turn their car. You know, some kind of indicator which sent out a signal… like… heck, I dunno, maybe even a blinking light – that would let others know “Hey, I am going to turn left” or “Hey I am going to turn right.” Then I’d go to North Hollywood and hand them out for free. (Hey, if I’m gonna dream I’m gonna dream big.)

#6. I’d like it if I could finally understand the meaning of the plastic male genitals I sometimes see hanging from the rear bumpers of pick-up trucks. Is it a representation of the driver? Does it represent a favorite hobby? A favorite food? I am quite confused.

#7. I’d like it if I could develop the ability to think of really good birthday/anniversary/Valentines Day presents for my wife. You know, I want to be able to give her the same sort of sweet, thoughtful gifts that her gay friends give her – but minus the having sex with men part…

#8. Being a true American, I’d also like it if I could travel back in time to the good ‘ol frontier days – but minus the average life expectancy of thirty-seven years… and minus the B.O. and the syphilis… and the horrific medical and dental “technology”… and minus the woolen underwear, rampant lice and women with un-shaved body hair… and minus the lack of every kind convenience which makes life esteemable. Ah, yes, a simpler, happier time. Those were the days.

#9. I’d like it if the world would finally recognize that “In the Bleachers” is the stupidest “Far Side” knock-off ever and demand it be banned.

#10. I’d like it if the rest of the humanity would finally realize and respect the fact that the only valid holiday in December - the holiday from which all other holidays spring – is the holiday which I choose to observe and none other!!! And the holiday I’m talking about is “Ascension of the Hallowed, Giant Voodoo Dragon into the Highest Realm of Sanctity Day.” The world must understand that this is a day meant for love and light and goodwill toward men and when the Giant Voodoo Dragon hears “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Chaunuka” or “Happy Holidays” it makes him want to disembowel those blasphemers with his terrible talons and scatter their carcasses to the four winds. So remember; Let's keep the Dragon in “Jolly Dragon Time!”