Man five months since my last post... That is sad.
I was reading a message board this morning and came across a post by a long-haul trucker who'd claimed to have caught a kid trying to syphon gas from his rig last night. This fella claimed to have taken the kid - the son of a neighbor - back to his parents at shotgun point.
The overwhelming sentiment was that of regret that the trucker didn't blow the young man's head "smooth off" - though this feeling was tempered with the knowlege that blasting a punk who desereved it would undoubtably have resulted in manslaughter charges or some similar B.S. entanglement with Jonny Law.
There were also a considerable number of posters who shared their fantasies about confronting vandalizing, theiving teenages with various lethal armements and who looked forward to the day when they would be afforded an oportunity like the trucker's. The detail of these descriptions was quite elaborate and colorful.
I don't care much for teenagers, but I don't think I'd care much for shooting one either. Perhaps I am missing something.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
The Ten Things I Want for "Christmas"
# 1. I’d like to be able to fly. Now, it’s taken me quite a bit of thought and introspection to place this ability above invisibility, but I finally reasoned that were I able to fly, then I could be nearly invisible in many situations so, I’m going with this as my number one.
#2. I’d like to posses the power of invisibility… for no greater reason than being able to totally freak people out at the dog park. (And too bad there isn't a cat equivalent to the dog park!)
#3. I’d like it if I had the power to induce un-controllable flatulence in others. I know this sound immature, but I would use this power only for good…
#4. I’d like it if I had a really authentic-sounding British accent. You wouldn’t believe the shyt you can get away with a British accent. It’s like a license to steal!!!
#5. I’d like it if I could invent some sort of device which would let other drivers know which way a person was intending to turn their car. You know, some kind of indicator which sent out a signal… like… heck, I dunno, maybe even a blinking light – that would let others know “Hey, I am going to turn left” or “Hey I am going to turn right.” Then I’d go to North Hollywood and hand them out for free. (Hey, if I’m gonna dream I’m gonna dream big.)
#6. I’d like it if I could finally understand the meaning of the plastic male genitals I sometimes see hanging from the rear bumpers of pick-up trucks. Is it a representation of the driver? Does it represent a favorite hobby? A favorite food? I am quite confused.
#7. I’d like it if I could develop the ability to think of really good birthday/anniversary/Valentines Day presents for my wife. You know, I want to be able to give her the same sort of sweet, thoughtful gifts that her gay friends give her – but minus the having sex with men part…
#8. Being a true American, I’d also like it if I could travel back in time to the good ‘ol frontier days – but minus the average life expectancy of thirty-seven years… and minus the B.O. and the syphilis… and the horrific medical and dental “technology”… and minus the woolen underwear, rampant lice and women with un-shaved body hair… and minus the lack of every kind convenience which makes life esteemable. Ah, yes, a simpler, happier time. Those were the days.
#9. I’d like it if the world would finally recognize that “In the Bleachers” is the stupidest “Far Side” knock-off ever and demand it be banned.
#10. I’d like it if the rest of the humanity would finally realize and respect the fact that the only valid holiday in December - the holiday from which all other holidays spring – is the holiday which I choose to observe and none other!!! And the holiday I’m talking about is “Ascension of the Hallowed, Giant Voodoo Dragon into the Highest Realm of Sanctity Day.” The world must understand that this is a day meant for love and light and goodwill toward men and when the Giant Voodoo Dragon hears “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Chaunuka” or “Happy Holidays” it makes him want to disembowel those blasphemers with his terrible talons and scatter their carcasses to the four winds. So remember; Let's keep the Dragon in “Jolly Dragon Time!”
#2. I’d like to posses the power of invisibility… for no greater reason than being able to totally freak people out at the dog park. (And too bad there isn't a cat equivalent to the dog park!)
#3. I’d like it if I had the power to induce un-controllable flatulence in others. I know this sound immature, but I would use this power only for good…
#4. I’d like it if I had a really authentic-sounding British accent. You wouldn’t believe the shyt you can get away with a British accent. It’s like a license to steal!!!
#5. I’d like it if I could invent some sort of device which would let other drivers know which way a person was intending to turn their car. You know, some kind of indicator which sent out a signal… like… heck, I dunno, maybe even a blinking light – that would let others know “Hey, I am going to turn left” or “Hey I am going to turn right.” Then I’d go to North Hollywood and hand them out for free. (Hey, if I’m gonna dream I’m gonna dream big.)
#6. I’d like it if I could finally understand the meaning of the plastic male genitals I sometimes see hanging from the rear bumpers of pick-up trucks. Is it a representation of the driver? Does it represent a favorite hobby? A favorite food? I am quite confused.
#7. I’d like it if I could develop the ability to think of really good birthday/anniversary/Valentines Day presents for my wife. You know, I want to be able to give her the same sort of sweet, thoughtful gifts that her gay friends give her – but minus the having sex with men part…
#8. Being a true American, I’d also like it if I could travel back in time to the good ‘ol frontier days – but minus the average life expectancy of thirty-seven years… and minus the B.O. and the syphilis… and the horrific medical and dental “technology”… and minus the woolen underwear, rampant lice and women with un-shaved body hair… and minus the lack of every kind convenience which makes life esteemable. Ah, yes, a simpler, happier time. Those were the days.
#9. I’d like it if the world would finally recognize that “In the Bleachers” is the stupidest “Far Side” knock-off ever and demand it be banned.
#10. I’d like it if the rest of the humanity would finally realize and respect the fact that the only valid holiday in December - the holiday from which all other holidays spring – is the holiday which I choose to observe and none other!!! And the holiday I’m talking about is “Ascension of the Hallowed, Giant Voodoo Dragon into the Highest Realm of Sanctity Day.” The world must understand that this is a day meant for love and light and goodwill toward men and when the Giant Voodoo Dragon hears “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Chaunuka” or “Happy Holidays” it makes him want to disembowel those blasphemers with his terrible talons and scatter their carcasses to the four winds. So remember; Let's keep the Dragon in “Jolly Dragon Time!”
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
A Much Quieter Riot
Read the full Story
"And, when he shall die, Take him and cut him out in little stars, And he will make the face of Heaven so fine That all the world will be in love with night And pay no worship to the garish sun." William Shakespeare
"He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present than the living man." Antoine de Saint Éxupéry
The news hit me like a ton of hair product… or, as if a giant, bitchin’-lookin’ metal mask had been dropped directly onto my crotch; Kevin DuBrow, leathery-lunged lead singer of Quite Riot, dead at age fifty-two. “No…” I murmured. “No, no, no, no!” Rocking back and forth in my chair I felt a cold dark chill envelope me. It couldn’t be… the man who taught me the difference between rockin’ and raawwkin’ gone? I still can’t get my mind around it.
As of this writing, no cause of death has been released (though I suspect nothing less than Kryptonite or perhaps a bizarre gardening accident better left a mystery!) I feel how weak and fruitless must be any words of mine which should attempt to beguile his adoring public form the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering to you the consolation that may be found in the body of work and fond memories this cherished troubadour leaves behind.
Kevin DuBrow and Quite Riot came along at a critical juncture in history; heavy metal was transforming our society. Men could wear spandex and make up, yet still remain refreshingly misogynistic. It was a time of cod-pieces and hair as big as adolescent dreams of adequacy, an era defined by innovation, by mixed tapes and smokable cocaine.
I was a squeaky-clean thirteen-year-old when I discovered Riot and my paradigm shifted so radically my head nearly exploded. You see, up until that time, my idea of fun was a double-header on Saturday or maybe shooting pellet guns at lawn ornaments. I didn’t understand that the real kicks were on the other side of the tracks from where I lived in Squares-ville.
As I write this I am overcome by a torrent of memories of that defining time in my life. I can feel the noiz… “C’mon, feel the noiz…” I am transported… to Mike “Flapper” Raab’s garage… “Girlz rock your bo-oy-oys…” We are crouching behind the garbage cans, drinking orange extract and tang out of a canteen… “We’ll get wild, wild, wild…” smoking Copenhagen out of a soda can… “Wild, wild, wild…” and vomiting as quietly as possible into the lawnmower’s grass attachment… “C’mon feel the noise…”
I think about those days now, of running with the cool kids… of “banging our heads…” of drinking Old Crow from a bota bag on the ski lift… “Metal health will drive you mad…” and splitting my septum with the tip of my ski… “Bang your head…” and vomiting into a pool of my own blood… “Metal health will drive you mad…”
Such good times. Thank you, Kevin DuBrow… thank you and good night.
Monday, November 19, 2007
We Simply HAVE to Do Better
Disgusting
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21882843/
Just Plain Sad
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/21882976/?GT1=10547
“Everybody wakes up in the morning with the hope they will end the day with their dignity in tact. Your responsibility, son, is to help them along that way.”
“Everyone is cared for, nurtured, protected, and given their livelihood by the community in which he or she lives and raises their families. It is each of our responsibilities to give back to that community in a meaningful and caring manner.”
Quotes from my Grandfather, who worked every work-day for forty-four years for the same company, standing in the same spot, running the same machine, while serving for those same forty-four years as an Auxiliary Policeman, raising to the rank of Deputy Chief in Holyoke, Massachusetts, where he raised four children who in turn also were dedicated to serving the communities in which they lived.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21882843/
Just Plain Sad
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/21882976/?GT1=10547
“Everybody wakes up in the morning with the hope they will end the day with their dignity in tact. Your responsibility, son, is to help them along that way.”
“Everyone is cared for, nurtured, protected, and given their livelihood by the community in which he or she lives and raises their families. It is each of our responsibilities to give back to that community in a meaningful and caring manner.”
Quotes from my Grandfather, who worked every work-day for forty-four years for the same company, standing in the same spot, running the same machine, while serving for those same forty-four years as an Auxiliary Policeman, raising to the rank of Deputy Chief in Holyoke, Massachusetts, where he raised four children who in turn also were dedicated to serving the communities in which they lived.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
The Mormon Rap
This is without a doubt the coolest thing I have ever seen.
Yes, I Want My Life Changed Forever!
I think the body of work speaks for itself, don't you?
Yes, I Want My Life Changed Forever!
I think the body of work speaks for itself, don't you?
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Oklahoma Lawmakers Return Donated Qurans
Read Story
Yeah, Islam! Genocide is just wrong!
For further reading please see:
Exodus, Chapter 34, verses 11-14
"Observe what I command you this day. Behold, I am driving out from before you the Amorite and the Canaanite and the Hittite and the Perizzite and the Hivite and the Jebusite. Take heed to yourself, lest you make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land where you are going, lest it be a snare in your midst. But you shall destroy their altars, break their sacred pillars, and cut down their wooden images (For you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.)"
Leviticus, Chapter 26, verses 7-9
"You will chase your enemies, and they shall fall by the sword before you. Five of you shall chase a hundred, and a hundred of you shall put ten thousand to flight; your enemies shall fall by the sword before you. For I will look on you favorably and make you fruitful, multiply you and confirm My covenant with you. You shall eat the old harvest, and clear out the old because of the new."
Yeah, Islam! Genocide is just wrong!
For further reading please see:
Exodus, Chapter 34, verses 11-14
"Observe what I command you this day. Behold, I am driving out from before you the Amorite and the Canaanite and the Hittite and the Perizzite and the Hivite and the Jebusite. Take heed to yourself, lest you make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land where you are going, lest it be a snare in your midst. But you shall destroy their altars, break their sacred pillars, and cut down their wooden images (For you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.)"
Leviticus, Chapter 26, verses 7-9
"You will chase your enemies, and they shall fall by the sword before you. Five of you shall chase a hundred, and a hundred of you shall put ten thousand to flight; your enemies shall fall by the sword before you. For I will look on you favorably and make you fruitful, multiply you and confirm My covenant with you. You shall eat the old harvest, and clear out the old because of the new."
Friday, September 28, 2007
The Epiphany Zone
by T
After picking my daughter up from first grade for the past couple of weeks I now know why there are so many pricks in the world… because they’ve been raised by pricks.
Parents of Riverside Elementary School, would it kill you people to have some fucking manners at your child’s school??? I’m not suggesting anyone convert to Buddhism or anything, I’m just saying guys, how ‘bout we all follow the quaint old rule of thumb “Ladies first”? Fellas, you’ll get in and out of the school yard in plenty of time to drive like a jackass down the 101, so why not take it easy with the pushing and shoving on the playground, tough guys! And ladies how ‘bout you follow the quaint old rule of thumb “It’s a grammar school, not Chillers in Santa Monica – so loose the slut costume and act like your crotch fruit isn’t such a goddamn inconvenience for at least five minutes!” And everyone – LAY OFF THE FUCKING CAR HORNS!!! I don’t like waiting for crossing guards anymore than you do, but Jesus do you really think it’s making that eighty-year-old in the day-glo vest move any faster?!?!
See you all at the next PTA meeting, assholes.
After picking my daughter up from first grade for the past couple of weeks I now know why there are so many pricks in the world… because they’ve been raised by pricks.
Parents of Riverside Elementary School, would it kill you people to have some fucking manners at your child’s school??? I’m not suggesting anyone convert to Buddhism or anything, I’m just saying guys, how ‘bout we all follow the quaint old rule of thumb “Ladies first”? Fellas, you’ll get in and out of the school yard in plenty of time to drive like a jackass down the 101, so why not take it easy with the pushing and shoving on the playground, tough guys! And ladies how ‘bout you follow the quaint old rule of thumb “It’s a grammar school, not Chillers in Santa Monica – so loose the slut costume and act like your crotch fruit isn’t such a goddamn inconvenience for at least five minutes!” And everyone – LAY OFF THE FUCKING CAR HORNS!!! I don’t like waiting for crossing guards anymore than you do, but Jesus do you really think it’s making that eighty-year-old in the day-glo vest move any faster?!?!
See you all at the next PTA meeting, assholes.
NFL Week Four
Oakland goes to Miami. Spread, Miami -4. Remember Bob Griese and Kenny Stabler? Well, nothing about this game will evoke any ghosts of competent quarterbacks past. This is a toughie… it’s like a fight between Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton… what the heck, Paris... er, I mean Raiders to upset.
Houston goes to Atlanta as a three-point favorite. Atlanta will continue to burn as the Texans (how in the heck did they come up with that name) will cover.
Baltimore in Cleveland. Ravens favored buy 4.5. Now here’s a kooky situation; a team going to a town they used to play in to play a team named after the team they used to be… The team who’s name was inspired by an Edgar Allen Poe poem should cover.
Chicago will go to Detroit favored by 3. Bob Griese’s son will prove no better than Interception-a-saurus Rex as the “Super Bowl Shuffle” become the “Windy City Death-spiral.” Detroit to upset.
Green Bay goes to Minnesota favored by a mere point-and-a-half (1.5) Sore-ee, Vikings fans, but even a Lutheran would bet on the Packers to cover. Lock City, doncha know!
Dallas host the Rams in what should be the kind of massacre that will have the folks ‘round the Gateway to the West muttering “Yeah, but remember last year’s World Series?!?!” Cowboys to cover the 13 points they’re giving.
NY Jets are a 3.5 point favorite while visiting the Bills. It is quite possible that the brightest story for Buffalo this season will be Kevin Everett’s recovery. Jets will cover.
Tampa Bay goes into Carolina as a three point underdog. After a big toke on the crack pipe, I’m gonna say Tampa to upset!
Seattle goes to San Francisco as a two point favorite. My team is the ‘Hawks, so I’m gonna pick ‘em. (But if you want to make any money, bet on the ‘Niners.)
Though Pittsburgh will not cover the 6 points they’re giving the Cards, forty-somethings will have reason to wave their Terrible Towels in glee as the Steelers win.
Chargers are a twelve point favorite at home against Kansas City. When I think about this game, I have a vision of LT dancing around in front of the Chief bench, pointing at his butt and then pointing at the Chiefs and then doing air kisses… he’s such a class act. In my vision the wheels will stay on the bandwagon for at least one more week and SD will cover.
Indy is a 9.5 point favorite against Denver in the RCA Dome. Multiply that number by two and you’ll get what will be the actual margin of victory of the Colts over the Broncs.
Maybe it’s the mushroom tea talkin’ but I still like Donovan McNaab… is he black? This game will be decided in the last seconds by a 58 yard field goal. Eagles will win, cover.
New England will win at Cincinnati but not cover the 7.5 spread. After the game the two quarterbacks will share a hug which will seem to linger a bit too long. I’m just sayin…
Houston goes to Atlanta as a three-point favorite. Atlanta will continue to burn as the Texans (how in the heck did they come up with that name) will cover.
Baltimore in Cleveland. Ravens favored buy 4.5. Now here’s a kooky situation; a team going to a town they used to play in to play a team named after the team they used to be… The team who’s name was inspired by an Edgar Allen Poe poem should cover.
Chicago will go to Detroit favored by 3. Bob Griese’s son will prove no better than Interception-a-saurus Rex as the “Super Bowl Shuffle” become the “Windy City Death-spiral.” Detroit to upset.
Green Bay goes to Minnesota favored by a mere point-and-a-half (1.5) Sore-ee, Vikings fans, but even a Lutheran would bet on the Packers to cover. Lock City, doncha know!
Dallas host the Rams in what should be the kind of massacre that will have the folks ‘round the Gateway to the West muttering “Yeah, but remember last year’s World Series?!?!” Cowboys to cover the 13 points they’re giving.
NY Jets are a 3.5 point favorite while visiting the Bills. It is quite possible that the brightest story for Buffalo this season will be Kevin Everett’s recovery. Jets will cover.
Tampa Bay goes into Carolina as a three point underdog. After a big toke on the crack pipe, I’m gonna say Tampa to upset!
Seattle goes to San Francisco as a two point favorite. My team is the ‘Hawks, so I’m gonna pick ‘em. (But if you want to make any money, bet on the ‘Niners.)
Though Pittsburgh will not cover the 6 points they’re giving the Cards, forty-somethings will have reason to wave their Terrible Towels in glee as the Steelers win.
Chargers are a twelve point favorite at home against Kansas City. When I think about this game, I have a vision of LT dancing around in front of the Chief bench, pointing at his butt and then pointing at the Chiefs and then doing air kisses… he’s such a class act. In my vision the wheels will stay on the bandwagon for at least one more week and SD will cover.
Indy is a 9.5 point favorite against Denver in the RCA Dome. Multiply that number by two and you’ll get what will be the actual margin of victory of the Colts over the Broncs.
Maybe it’s the mushroom tea talkin’ but I still like Donovan McNaab… is he black? This game will be decided in the last seconds by a 58 yard field goal. Eagles will win, cover.
New England will win at Cincinnati but not cover the 7.5 spread. After the game the two quarterbacks will share a hug which will seem to linger a bit too long. I’m just sayin…
Friday, September 21, 2007
Week (or just weak) 3 NFL Picks
Wow. Last week hurt. I mean it really hurt.
Indianapolis at Houston. Spread is Colts -6. Indy will win but will not cover.
San Diego at Green Bay. Spread is Chargers -5, which is funny because Green Bay is going to win that game.
Minnesota at Kansas City. Spread is Chiefs -3. Again, I’ll go against those who know more than I do and I’ll pick Minnesota to win.
Detroit at Philadelphia. Spread is Eagles -6.5. Philly will wind but will not cover.
Buffalo at New England. Spread is Pats -16.5. Pat will win but will not cover.
Miami at NY Jets. Spread is Jets -3. I think the Jets will win and cover.
San Francisco at Pittsburgh. Spread is Steelers -9. Steelers will win and cover.
Arizona at Baltimore. Spread it Baltimore -8. Baltimore will win, but not cover.
St. Louis at Tampa Bay. Spread is Bucks -3.5. Bet on the Bucks to cover!!!
Jacksonville at Denver. Spread is Broncos -3. Denver is not for real and will lose.
Cincinnati at Seattle. Spread is Sea Hawks -3.5. Hawks to win and cover. (Unless they fumble.)
Cleveland at Oakland. Spread is Oakland -3. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but look for Raiders to win and cover.
Carolina at Atlanta. Spread is Carolina -4. Panthers win, cover.
NY Giants at Washington. Spread is ‘Skins -4. Redskins win and cover.
Dallas at Chicago. Spread is Bears -3. Dallas will win this one.
Tennessee at New Orleans. Spread is Saints -4.5 Sad, but Titans will win.
Indianapolis at Houston. Spread is Colts -6. Indy will win but will not cover.
San Diego at Green Bay. Spread is Chargers -5, which is funny because Green Bay is going to win that game.
Minnesota at Kansas City. Spread is Chiefs -3. Again, I’ll go against those who know more than I do and I’ll pick Minnesota to win.
Detroit at Philadelphia. Spread is Eagles -6.5. Philly will wind but will not cover.
Buffalo at New England. Spread is Pats -16.5. Pat will win but will not cover.
Miami at NY Jets. Spread is Jets -3. I think the Jets will win and cover.
San Francisco at Pittsburgh. Spread is Steelers -9. Steelers will win and cover.
Arizona at Baltimore. Spread it Baltimore -8. Baltimore will win, but not cover.
St. Louis at Tampa Bay. Spread is Bucks -3.5. Bet on the Bucks to cover!!!
Jacksonville at Denver. Spread is Broncos -3. Denver is not for real and will lose.
Cincinnati at Seattle. Spread is Sea Hawks -3.5. Hawks to win and cover. (Unless they fumble.)
Cleveland at Oakland. Spread is Oakland -3. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but look for Raiders to win and cover.
Carolina at Atlanta. Spread is Carolina -4. Panthers win, cover.
NY Giants at Washington. Spread is ‘Skins -4. Redskins win and cover.
Dallas at Chicago. Spread is Bears -3. Dallas will win this one.
Tennessee at New Orleans. Spread is Saints -4.5 Sad, but Titans will win.
The Visitors Would Like You to Know...
by Wendy Gillam
Just wanted to share with everyone that, in these troubled times, we are under the constant watch and care of other, higher life forms. I cannot overstate the degree to which these Visitors care about and are invested in the fortunes of our planet.
Keep your chin up.
Just wanted to share with everyone that, in these troubled times, we are under the constant watch and care of other, higher life forms. I cannot overstate the degree to which these Visitors care about and are invested in the fortunes of our planet.
Keep your chin up.
Friday, September 14, 2007
NFL Week Two
by T
Below are my week two picks for use in dominating office pools (spreads are for suckers!)
Be warned; I was 13 and three last week and if precedence counts for any thing, I should go 3 and 13 this week. So, here they are, hope you can use 'em.
1. Houston is going into Carolina with a head of steam, but will have no answer for Steve Smith and the Panthers should even up.
2. Cincinnati should prevail in the battle of “Towns You Spent a Week in One Day,” and send the Browns to oh-and-two.
3. You can’t spell “Victory” without “Vic.” Jacksonville will get win number one at home over Atlanta.
4. Green Bay at New York. Questions on everybody’s mind; “Is Green Bay that good, or was Philly that bad?” “Is Eli that good or is the Dallas secondary that bad?” and “How is it that these two teams come onto the field dressed as football players when so many other franchises these days are dressing their guys up in ballroom-dancing costumes (Atlanta, Minnesota, Arizona)?” I think New York has the best uniform in the league and, therefore will win.
5. There is no longer a steel curtain in Pittsburgh, but a starched doily could keep the Bills out of the end-zone. Look for the band-wagon to begin loading up as the Steelers remain undefeated.
6. I don’t mean to sound catty, but San Fransisco should pummel St. Louis like they were wearing white shoes after Labor Day.
7. New Orleans goes cross-gulf to Tampa. Now here’s a helpless victim the Saints can exploit for entertainment’s sake and then leave for dead.
8. Indianapolis vs. Tennessee. Remember when the Houston Oilers used to beat up on the Baltimore Colts? No? Well, you’ll probably be hard-pressed to find any ironic, entertainment value in the massacre disguised as a football game which will take place on the Titans home field. Er, I mean, the Colts should win.
9. Seattle at Arizona. While the Seahawks D looked scary, their offense looked to be as thrill-packed as a ride on a glacier. With Seneca Wallis freed up to catch passes, the Seahawks, on paper, look better than the Cards, but as I have said in the past, the hallmark of Emerald City teams is the Grande Double Choke… however, Leinhart is one heck-of-a schlub… so, I’m picking the ‘Hawks.
10. Minnesota in Detroit. Two unknown quantities, two dome teams, two… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… wha’… where was I? Oh, yeah Vikings will win.
11. Cowboys vs. the Dolphins. Remember when a coach named Tom wore a suit and hat to every game? No? Well… well… hmm… don’t know where I’m going with this… Anyhow, look for Dallas to perpetrate a bloody, drift-net operation in Miami.
12. You could dress Chad Pennington up in pantyhose and a fur coat and I still wouldn’t buy him as a pro quarterback. Jets will lose in Baltimore. (And if you know what I’m talking about, you are really, really old!)
13. Pass the kielbasa! The Bears are gonna look like Da Bears again against KC!
14. Oakland at Denver. M’kay, Nation, instead of wasting time watching your team’s public humiliation this Sunday, maybe you could go do something more constructive like, pay some child-support, or bail your lady out of jail. Just a thought.
15. I sincerely wish that San Diego would slap the bejesus out of New England, heck, I’d even settle for a close game, but I’ve just got this clairvoyant sense that Phil Rivers will be flying home with something shaped remarkably similar to Jarvis Green’s cleat jammed up his rectum. Those friggin Pats will win.
16. Oh, man do the Eagles need to beat Washington. I don’t know if they can, but I’ll pick ‘em at home anyway.
Below are my week two picks for use in dominating office pools (spreads are for suckers!)
Be warned; I was 13 and three last week and if precedence counts for any thing, I should go 3 and 13 this week. So, here they are, hope you can use 'em.
1. Houston is going into Carolina with a head of steam, but will have no answer for Steve Smith and the Panthers should even up.
2. Cincinnati should prevail in the battle of “Towns You Spent a Week in One Day,” and send the Browns to oh-and-two.
3. You can’t spell “Victory” without “Vic.” Jacksonville will get win number one at home over Atlanta.
4. Green Bay at New York. Questions on everybody’s mind; “Is Green Bay that good, or was Philly that bad?” “Is Eli that good or is the Dallas secondary that bad?” and “How is it that these two teams come onto the field dressed as football players when so many other franchises these days are dressing their guys up in ballroom-dancing costumes (Atlanta, Minnesota, Arizona)?” I think New York has the best uniform in the league and, therefore will win.
5. There is no longer a steel curtain in Pittsburgh, but a starched doily could keep the Bills out of the end-zone. Look for the band-wagon to begin loading up as the Steelers remain undefeated.
6. I don’t mean to sound catty, but San Fransisco should pummel St. Louis like they were wearing white shoes after Labor Day.
7. New Orleans goes cross-gulf to Tampa. Now here’s a helpless victim the Saints can exploit for entertainment’s sake and then leave for dead.
8. Indianapolis vs. Tennessee. Remember when the Houston Oilers used to beat up on the Baltimore Colts? No? Well, you’ll probably be hard-pressed to find any ironic, entertainment value in the massacre disguised as a football game which will take place on the Titans home field. Er, I mean, the Colts should win.
9. Seattle at Arizona. While the Seahawks D looked scary, their offense looked to be as thrill-packed as a ride on a glacier. With Seneca Wallis freed up to catch passes, the Seahawks, on paper, look better than the Cards, but as I have said in the past, the hallmark of Emerald City teams is the Grande Double Choke… however, Leinhart is one heck-of-a schlub… so, I’m picking the ‘Hawks.
10. Minnesota in Detroit. Two unknown quantities, two dome teams, two… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… wha’… where was I? Oh, yeah Vikings will win.
11. Cowboys vs. the Dolphins. Remember when a coach named Tom wore a suit and hat to every game? No? Well… well… hmm… don’t know where I’m going with this… Anyhow, look for Dallas to perpetrate a bloody, drift-net operation in Miami.
12. You could dress Chad Pennington up in pantyhose and a fur coat and I still wouldn’t buy him as a pro quarterback. Jets will lose in Baltimore. (And if you know what I’m talking about, you are really, really old!)
13. Pass the kielbasa! The Bears are gonna look like Da Bears again against KC!
14. Oakland at Denver. M’kay, Nation, instead of wasting time watching your team’s public humiliation this Sunday, maybe you could go do something more constructive like, pay some child-support, or bail your lady out of jail. Just a thought.
15. I sincerely wish that San Diego would slap the bejesus out of New England, heck, I’d even settle for a close game, but I’ve just got this clairvoyant sense that Phil Rivers will be flying home with something shaped remarkably similar to Jarvis Green’s cleat jammed up his rectum. Those friggin Pats will win.
16. Oh, man do the Eagles need to beat Washington. I don’t know if they can, but I’ll pick ‘em at home anyway.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
My Infallible NFL Week One predictions
1. The Colts will send the Saints a Marchin’ on in to Tampa Bay with a 0 and 1 record.
2. Donovan McNabb will throw just a few more passes to players in Eagles uniforms than Brett Favre will and Philly will have the Green Bay fans dreaming of... nay... praying for the arrival of ice-fishing season.
3. Though I have no idea which is faster, a horse or an American bison, I do know that the professional football team from Denver will gallop over the “professional” football team from Buffalo.
4. I think Pittsburg will get a scare in Cleveland, (that’s right, Cleveland) but will come away 1 and 0.
5. The outcome of the “Are They Crappy or Good This Year?” Bowl will be Carolina 21, St. Louis 17
6. The battle for the NFL’s worst “up-dated” uniform will be a close one, but Minnesota should take both the title and the game Vikings 21, Atlanta 14.
7. If anyone in the nation cares, Houston will beat Kansas City.
8. Get ready for a big dose of Dynasty blather when the Patriots savage the hapless Jets in their own house.
9. Yeeehaaawwww! Jacksonville gonna smack Tennessee like a thirteen-year-old bride!!!
10. In what is not a Super Bowl preview, San Diego will top Chicago.
11. Seattle vs Tampa Bay… I’m a little waffle-y on this one… Seattle is a team with profound ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory… but still, I'll go with the Seahacks over the Suckanears.
12. Not the extra layer of grease-paint, not the tinfoil hat, not the chains, not the spikes nor Darth Vader mask is gonna help the Dummest Fans Alive; Detroit 21, Raiders 10
13. For those of you who remember Sesame Street:
One of these Mannings is not like the o-thers.
One of these Mannings is not the same.
Can you guess which Manning is not like the others?
Yes, you can… just watch the Dallas game!
Dallas 21, New York 13
14. Cason Palmer vs. the Raven defense... Ocho Sinco wins!
15. Count on Clinton Portis to run on the Dolphins as if they were beached whales.
And finally;
16. Arizona should be able to come out on top in their Slap-fight Royal against San Francisco.
Now, get to your bookie and make that money!!!
2. Donovan McNabb will throw just a few more passes to players in Eagles uniforms than Brett Favre will and Philly will have the Green Bay fans dreaming of... nay... praying for the arrival of ice-fishing season.
3. Though I have no idea which is faster, a horse or an American bison, I do know that the professional football team from Denver will gallop over the “professional” football team from Buffalo.
4. I think Pittsburg will get a scare in Cleveland, (that’s right, Cleveland) but will come away 1 and 0.
5. The outcome of the “Are They Crappy or Good This Year?” Bowl will be Carolina 21, St. Louis 17
6. The battle for the NFL’s worst “up-dated” uniform will be a close one, but Minnesota should take both the title and the game Vikings 21, Atlanta 14.
7. If anyone in the nation cares, Houston will beat Kansas City.
8. Get ready for a big dose of Dynasty blather when the Patriots savage the hapless Jets in their own house.
9. Yeeehaaawwww! Jacksonville gonna smack Tennessee like a thirteen-year-old bride!!!
10. In what is not a Super Bowl preview, San Diego will top Chicago.
11. Seattle vs Tampa Bay… I’m a little waffle-y on this one… Seattle is a team with profound ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory… but still, I'll go with the Seahacks over the Suckanears.
12. Not the extra layer of grease-paint, not the tinfoil hat, not the chains, not the spikes nor Darth Vader mask is gonna help the Dummest Fans Alive; Detroit 21, Raiders 10
13. For those of you who remember Sesame Street:
One of these Mannings is not like the o-thers.
One of these Mannings is not the same.
Can you guess which Manning is not like the others?
Yes, you can… just watch the Dallas game!
Dallas 21, New York 13
14. Cason Palmer vs. the Raven defense... Ocho Sinco wins!
15. Count on Clinton Portis to run on the Dolphins as if they were beached whales.
And finally;
16. Arizona should be able to come out on top in their Slap-fight Royal against San Francisco.
Now, get to your bookie and make that money!!!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
The Curious Non-case of Senator Larry Craig
by T
"The closet just keeps gettin' deeper don't it?"
Carl Merriman, drunken rant part II
Ya’ know you know who I really have sympathy for in this pathetic misadventure? The poor cop who had to pose as the "cute, blond guy" bait. What will his legacy be?
I picture him in his retirement years, grandchildren all assembled at his feet: "I tell you what kids, back in ought-seven I was the fella who took down Senator Craig! Yes, sir, I sat right there in that airport men's room while other fellas were dropping deuces all around me and I pretended to signal that I was interested in some homo-sexual lewd conduct - ask your daddies what that is - right there on the commode until ol' 'Pervy Larry' slid his foot over and started caressing mine and then WHAMO! It was off to the clink for the 'Distinguished Gentleman Lover.' Heh, heh, I've never been so proud to wear the uniform... Actually, I wasn't wearing a uniform at the time... unless you call a pair of white cut-off shorts and a black mesh tank top a uniform... Did I ever tell you about the time I tazered that pregnant gal?"
And, oh, yeah... I also have great sympathy for Western Civilization… it was nice while it lasted.
"The closet just keeps gettin' deeper don't it?"
Carl Merriman, drunken rant part II
Ya’ know you know who I really have sympathy for in this pathetic misadventure? The poor cop who had to pose as the "cute, blond guy" bait. What will his legacy be?
I picture him in his retirement years, grandchildren all assembled at his feet: "I tell you what kids, back in ought-seven I was the fella who took down Senator Craig! Yes, sir, I sat right there in that airport men's room while other fellas were dropping deuces all around me and I pretended to signal that I was interested in some homo-sexual lewd conduct - ask your daddies what that is - right there on the commode until ol' 'Pervy Larry' slid his foot over and started caressing mine and then WHAMO! It was off to the clink for the 'Distinguished Gentleman Lover.' Heh, heh, I've never been so proud to wear the uniform... Actually, I wasn't wearing a uniform at the time... unless you call a pair of white cut-off shorts and a black mesh tank top a uniform... Did I ever tell you about the time I tazered that pregnant gal?"
And, oh, yeah... I also have great sympathy for Western Civilization… it was nice while it lasted.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
A Confederacy of Dunces?
by Eric Swallom
Is it just me or is it about time for the Democrats to put down the crack pipe and begin thinking seriously about a candidate who can be elected president? I am not a Democrat, but the enemy of my enemy is my friend and it is therefore troubling to see the straight-faced-ness with which a Clinton/Obama ticket is being discussed.
Admitedly, it is a nice fantasy: That we live in a society in which the racist, bigot/chauvinist pig vote doesn't count for much - but it is fantasy none-the-less. If the Democrats were to wrap a volleyball in a grey suit and paint on a mustache it's chances would be no worse than Mr. Obama's and Ms. Clinton's. The nomination of these two - regardless of their fitness or lack of fitness for the office - would be as great an achievement in intellect and foresight as our present misadventure in Iraq.
Is it just me or is it about time for the Democrats to put down the crack pipe and begin thinking seriously about a candidate who can be elected president? I am not a Democrat, but the enemy of my enemy is my friend and it is therefore troubling to see the straight-faced-ness with which a Clinton/Obama ticket is being discussed.
Admitedly, it is a nice fantasy: That we live in a society in which the racist, bigot/chauvinist pig vote doesn't count for much - but it is fantasy none-the-less. If the Democrats were to wrap a volleyball in a grey suit and paint on a mustache it's chances would be no worse than Mr. Obama's and Ms. Clinton's. The nomination of these two - regardless of their fitness or lack of fitness for the office - would be as great an achievement in intellect and foresight as our present misadventure in Iraq.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Has Michael Vick Ruined it for the Rest of Us?
by Bud Shroeder
Ask anyone who knows me; "What does Bud Shroeder stand for?" and the first thing out of their mouth will be "Persian cats!" I love the darn things.
That's why this whole drama surrounding Michael Vick has me so worried. If I know the Powers-that-Be, it won't be long until guys like me are feeling the heat too! Clearly, the last day of tolerance for the noble Persian/Angora Fighting Cat will soon be nigh and what a sad day it will be. No more will the match pits and rec-rooms of our nation echo in the glorious cacauphany of sport. Forever gone will be the pomp and pagentry of these contests, the glitter and sequins of hand-sewn, four-legged costumes will be but a memory fading like a photograph left on a sun-lit window sil and forgotten.
God speed Annual Labor Day Last Cat Standing Trounament Winner, Puurr-ple Reign.
Farewell South-Western Regional Champion, Snowballsy.
Good-bye Grand Champion, Mittens of Death.
I will miss you all and the good times we've had.
Ask anyone who knows me; "What does Bud Shroeder stand for?" and the first thing out of their mouth will be "Persian cats!" I love the darn things.
That's why this whole drama surrounding Michael Vick has me so worried. If I know the Powers-that-Be, it won't be long until guys like me are feeling the heat too! Clearly, the last day of tolerance for the noble Persian/Angora Fighting Cat will soon be nigh and what a sad day it will be. No more will the match pits and rec-rooms of our nation echo in the glorious cacauphany of sport. Forever gone will be the pomp and pagentry of these contests, the glitter and sequins of hand-sewn, four-legged costumes will be but a memory fading like a photograph left on a sun-lit window sil and forgotten.
God speed Annual Labor Day Last Cat Standing Trounament Winner, Puurr-ple Reign.
Farewell South-Western Regional Champion, Snowballsy.
Good-bye Grand Champion, Mittens of Death.
I will miss you all and the good times we've had.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Your Visitors
by Wendy Gillam
Over the weekend, through intensive hypnotic memory regression therapy, I was able to cobble together the following pictures and descriptions of the "Alien" beings presently in contact with me and countless other Earthlings. It is my great hope that this humble effort will help to hasten the arrival of Szhanockleplind or, "The Great Awakening."
May peace be upon your Shflaznoot.
(Also, if you wish to attempt recovering your own encounter memories, please contact The Southern California Hypno-Psychic Network, in the yellow van in the parking lot of Hazletine Park, Van Nuys - they also serve a delicious mushroom tea!)
Over the weekend, through intensive hypnotic memory regression therapy, I was able to cobble together the following pictures and descriptions of the "Alien" beings presently in contact with me and countless other Earthlings. It is my great hope that this humble effort will help to hasten the arrival of Szhanockleplind or, "The Great Awakening."
May peace be upon your Shflaznoot.
(Also, if you wish to attempt recovering your own encounter memories, please contact The Southern California Hypno-Psychic Network, in the yellow van in the parking lot of Hazletine Park, Van Nuys - they also serve a delicious mushroom tea!)
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Wanted: Your UFO Abduction Experiences
by Wendy Gillam
I am conducting a study in the hopes of understanding the scope of alien human interaction here on Earth. It is my belief that our species is the subject of what amounts to an inter-galactic focus group. I seek to pin down the target demographic in an effort to estimate the number of individuals involved and define the intentions of our “visitors.”
You assistance in this endeavor would be greatly appreciated. My chief concern is to recognize any patterns in abduction experiences such as; location, time of day, nature of interaction, physical characteristics of abductors and any other specifics which might help to define the experiences as a whole.
Please be as detailed as possible. I know that some memories may seem too painful to recount, but each experience is of profound importance to our understanding of this phenomenon.
As an example, I offer my earliest recollection of the abduction experience:
My first memory dates back to my forth or fifth year. Though hazy, I can still recall certain details vividly. I distinctly remember being awakened very early in the morning. It had just begun to lighten, but it was still too dark to make out anything other than shapes. At the foot of my bed stood a tall figure who I could feel was trying to get my attention. I remember being very drowsy. I felt hands on my body, removing my clothing and then placing some sort of warm clothing on me. I must have lost consciousness at that point because the next thing I recollect is the feeling of speed, of moving very fast. I can remember looking out of some sort of window and seeing our driveway slip past. Then I saw our street going by, suddenly we were on the interstate, then blackness.
My next memory is of very bright lights. I seemed to be surrounded by beings. There was a feeling of chaos in the air, but it was an organized chaos. Was carried down a long corridor and then all went black again.
I awoke in a very small, confined area. Oddly, this area had an aroma of coffee and cigarette smoke. My mouth was dry and had a peculiar taste I can only describe as that of honey roasted peanuts. What stands out most starkly is the impression of being very, very high in the air. I was shown a view of the earth from what must have been thousands of feet above. I remember being probed in both ears – it seemed the aliens tried to distract me during this procedure by playing what sounded like contemporary pop or jazz. I remember very tall creatures which all seemed to be wearing some kind of uniform looming over me. One of them tried to put some kind of metallic tracking device on my clothing. This devise was about two or three inches wide and resembled a bird or maybe a pair of wings. I began crying out. I don’t believe they succeeding in attaching the homing device at that time. After a time I was put back under anesthesia and began to calm, eventually losing consciousness again.
It is interesting to note that at the end of my abduction experience, the aliens somehow allowed me to communicate with the spirits of my grandparents – which is strange because they wouldn’t pass away for another twenty-some-odd years. Never-the-less, there they were at the end of another long corridor, almost as if real, hugging me, pinching my cheeks, etc. I don’t recall much else after that point – I was, after-all, only four or five – but I definitely can’t forget my encounter, the beginning of my on-going odyssey.
Like many of you, I still struggle to make sense of what has happened to me. Some days the weight of it all is enough to crush me. The question “Why me?” is never far from my lips. Please help me in piecing together this great mystery.
Thanks in advance,
W.G.
I am conducting a study in the hopes of understanding the scope of alien human interaction here on Earth. It is my belief that our species is the subject of what amounts to an inter-galactic focus group. I seek to pin down the target demographic in an effort to estimate the number of individuals involved and define the intentions of our “visitors.”
You assistance in this endeavor would be greatly appreciated. My chief concern is to recognize any patterns in abduction experiences such as; location, time of day, nature of interaction, physical characteristics of abductors and any other specifics which might help to define the experiences as a whole.
Please be as detailed as possible. I know that some memories may seem too painful to recount, but each experience is of profound importance to our understanding of this phenomenon.
As an example, I offer my earliest recollection of the abduction experience:
My first memory dates back to my forth or fifth year. Though hazy, I can still recall certain details vividly. I distinctly remember being awakened very early in the morning. It had just begun to lighten, but it was still too dark to make out anything other than shapes. At the foot of my bed stood a tall figure who I could feel was trying to get my attention. I remember being very drowsy. I felt hands on my body, removing my clothing and then placing some sort of warm clothing on me. I must have lost consciousness at that point because the next thing I recollect is the feeling of speed, of moving very fast. I can remember looking out of some sort of window and seeing our driveway slip past. Then I saw our street going by, suddenly we were on the interstate, then blackness.
My next memory is of very bright lights. I seemed to be surrounded by beings. There was a feeling of chaos in the air, but it was an organized chaos. Was carried down a long corridor and then all went black again.
I awoke in a very small, confined area. Oddly, this area had an aroma of coffee and cigarette smoke. My mouth was dry and had a peculiar taste I can only describe as that of honey roasted peanuts. What stands out most starkly is the impression of being very, very high in the air. I was shown a view of the earth from what must have been thousands of feet above. I remember being probed in both ears – it seemed the aliens tried to distract me during this procedure by playing what sounded like contemporary pop or jazz. I remember very tall creatures which all seemed to be wearing some kind of uniform looming over me. One of them tried to put some kind of metallic tracking device on my clothing. This devise was about two or three inches wide and resembled a bird or maybe a pair of wings. I began crying out. I don’t believe they succeeding in attaching the homing device at that time. After a time I was put back under anesthesia and began to calm, eventually losing consciousness again.
It is interesting to note that at the end of my abduction experience, the aliens somehow allowed me to communicate with the spirits of my grandparents – which is strange because they wouldn’t pass away for another twenty-some-odd years. Never-the-less, there they were at the end of another long corridor, almost as if real, hugging me, pinching my cheeks, etc. I don’t recall much else after that point – I was, after-all, only four or five – but I definitely can’t forget my encounter, the beginning of my on-going odyssey.
Like many of you, I still struggle to make sense of what has happened to me. Some days the weight of it all is enough to crush me. The question “Why me?” is never far from my lips. Please help me in piecing together this great mystery.
Thanks in advance,
W.G.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Me Thinks the Lady Doth Booeth too Much
Barry Bonds and the Giants are coming to our town this week to play the Dodgers and possibly, to make history. There has been a lot of speculation locally as to what sort of protests, if any, will be permissible should Bonds tie or break Hank Aaron’s homerun record at Chaves Ravine. Arguably, Barry Bonds is booed longer and louder at Dodger Stadium than at any other venue in the country. For Dodger fans he is Darth Vader, Hannibal Lector and Hitler all rolled into one. It is bad enough that he has been a consistent spoiler of outings here, but now he has the opportunity to eclipse a hallowed record held by a down-right likeable guy in our very own house! It will be hard to contain the Blue wrath should this event come to pass. Bud Selig’s best attempts may not be enough to ensure a nice, sanitized bit of video for the Cooperstown vault.
It is a sticky problem with which Major League Baseball now grapples; one of the most reviled figures in sports is now poised to achieve one of the game’s most celebrated milestones and doing so under the most questionable of circumstances. It’s enough to give a commissioner a nasty fit of the vapors. However, in all fairness, the problem is not Barry Bonds at all. Barry Bonds is merely a symptom.
Way back in the nineties when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were racking up long balls like the Kennedys rack up grave plots, there was a lot of talk about the balls being “juiced.” The only conceivable reason for this amazing spike on power had to be a change in the equipment, right? Well, as we now know, it wasn’t the balls that were being juiced… it was the owners. Turns out this new homerun derby provided a nice shot of good ‘old American dollars to their fat, white asses... and my, how quickly a Jones develops.
So, it fell to uber-lackey Bud Selig to helm the official Lookin’ the Other Way program while seats filled and we slack-jawed suckers gaped and gawked and just couldn’t get over how fortunate we were to be witnessing such a spectacular show of athletic skill in our lifetime. Gee, didn’t we all just adore that classy-guy Mark McGwire (and wow, was there was a whole lot more classy-guy on his frame now than when he played on the Olympic team!) Too bad that big, bad cheater-pants Barry Bonds had to come and spoil the party.
When it was rosy-cheeked Mark McGwire striding around the base-paths on oak-trunk thighs it really didn’t matter what was behind such a phenomenal performance. It was a nice story and nice stories justify their own means. Now we have a blue-ribbon crap-noggin’ knocking ‘em out and well, we find that it rather sucks. So we moan and complain. Poor us! What did we, the fans, ever do to deserve this? What indeed.
Poor, poor us.
It is a sticky problem with which Major League Baseball now grapples; one of the most reviled figures in sports is now poised to achieve one of the game’s most celebrated milestones and doing so under the most questionable of circumstances. It’s enough to give a commissioner a nasty fit of the vapors. However, in all fairness, the problem is not Barry Bonds at all. Barry Bonds is merely a symptom.
Way back in the nineties when Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were racking up long balls like the Kennedys rack up grave plots, there was a lot of talk about the balls being “juiced.” The only conceivable reason for this amazing spike on power had to be a change in the equipment, right? Well, as we now know, it wasn’t the balls that were being juiced… it was the owners. Turns out this new homerun derby provided a nice shot of good ‘old American dollars to their fat, white asses... and my, how quickly a Jones develops.
So, it fell to uber-lackey Bud Selig to helm the official Lookin’ the Other Way program while seats filled and we slack-jawed suckers gaped and gawked and just couldn’t get over how fortunate we were to be witnessing such a spectacular show of athletic skill in our lifetime. Gee, didn’t we all just adore that classy-guy Mark McGwire (and wow, was there was a whole lot more classy-guy on his frame now than when he played on the Olympic team!) Too bad that big, bad cheater-pants Barry Bonds had to come and spoil the party.
When it was rosy-cheeked Mark McGwire striding around the base-paths on oak-trunk thighs it really didn’t matter what was behind such a phenomenal performance. It was a nice story and nice stories justify their own means. Now we have a blue-ribbon crap-noggin’ knocking ‘em out and well, we find that it rather sucks. So we moan and complain. Poor us! What did we, the fans, ever do to deserve this? What indeed.
Poor, poor us.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Whaaaa????
by Leroy Nemmy
This story caused a shift in my paradigm so radical, I fell right over on my face! http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19934792/
To think that if brown people are able to feed their families, to provide a minimal about of security for their loved ones - they stop blowing themselves up??? Good God, that is weird!
Of course, we always knew that European folks, those good 'ol Caucasians, were evolved enough to strive for better lives - but Mediterraneans? Who'd have guessed. Well, just goes to show what you can learn through focus groups.
Thank goodness for this news, because it has to be like, way cheaper to shower a population in Nike shoes than it is to kill them all!
This story caused a shift in my paradigm so radical, I fell right over on my face! http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19934792/
To think that if brown people are able to feed their families, to provide a minimal about of security for their loved ones - they stop blowing themselves up??? Good God, that is weird!
Of course, we always knew that European folks, those good 'ol Caucasians, were evolved enough to strive for better lives - but Mediterraneans? Who'd have guessed. Well, just goes to show what you can learn through focus groups.
Thank goodness for this news, because it has to be like, way cheaper to shower a population in Nike shoes than it is to kill them all!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Fight Nite
Though shameful to admit, I must confess to the fact that I had no idea the popularity of dog-fighting until the Michael Vick drama began to unfold. I’ve never seen a real-live dog fight and the only organized animal on animal contest I’ve ever witnessed was a cock fight. It seemed to be over before it began and I didn’t have any money on it so to me the whole affair was about as exciting as watching someone whack a down sleeping bag with a garden rake. I don’t get the animal fighting thing. It’s not that I’m against finding entertainment in violence – far from it – it’s just that I don’t see much fun in observing any two creatures pummeling each other unless those two creatures happen to have opposable thumbs and a big ol’ sense of self-awareness.
Humans fighting humans has probably been the biggest single source of good times in the history of mankind. You have your gladiators, your jousters, your Tennessee wedding parties, etc. We as a species just love to see our brethren b**** slap our brethren. And, as we have (allegedly) evolved as a species, so to have the styles of combat we consider entertainment. Boxing, Judo, Fencing, are all forms of fighting which have now become formal sports. This is all well and good I suppose, but another recent story got me to thinking.
When I heard the news about John Lovitz and Andy Dick, I immediately began combing the internet for video. I didn’t find any footage of those two knuckle-heads, but I did find plenty other footage of various amateur fisticuffs. And, after extensive research, I now feel confident to put forward this assertion; There is nothing more entertaining than watching two equally matched, equally inexperienced, equally furious human beings going at it toe-to-toe – nothing.
I know there are a lot of Ultimate Fighting fans out there and that’s cool -it seems like there’s more than a couple of folks in that sport with some major screws loose and I do occasionally read about someone getting seriously hurt in the ring or octagon or cage or whatever - but something is definitely missing. Way back before there was Ultimate Fighting, my buddies and I used to shell out big bucks to watch something on pay-per view called shoot-fighting (or was it chute-fighting?). What made these fights so great was the fact that the combatants were mainly washed-up ex-football players and college wrestlers. It was an awesome spectacle of incompetent rage fueled by ego and absurd levels of synthetic testosterone. Now-a-days all you’ve got is a bunch of athletes who train and more often than not know what they’re doing. Boooring! We, as fighting fans have placed way to much importance on skill for way too long.
What we need is an Ultimate Non-fighters Fighting Championship Series. Think about it. How cool would a no-holds-barred Ryan Seacrest vs. Kevin Federline Submission Match be? Those delicate features, those feminine hands… a Slap-Fight Royal!
And there are other match-ups that would be guaranteed cash cows;
Barry Bonds vs. Jose Conseco - More fitting than induction in Cooperstown would be the lasting memory of these two three-hundred-pound base-ball cheatin’ bastards with womens’ breasts beating the tar out of each other until they both collapsed from heart attacks. Ah, sweet justice.
George Bush vs. Richard Simmons – Would easily go down in history as the most dignified act attributable to either one of them.
Adam Sandler vs. Tom Cruise – The idea being that a clash of the two most annoying forces of nature would cancel both out permanently.
Axel Rose vs. Tommy Hilfiger re-match – Though, the inevitable spike in emergency room cases laughter-split sides would have to be planned for.
Alex Rodriquez vs. Derek Jeeter – Admittedly, not very interesting… until the broke down and started French-kissing (and you know they would.)
I have many, many more match-up I would love to see… but it’s getting sort of late in the day and… well, I just now realized this whole bit is pretty weak… sorry.
Humans fighting humans has probably been the biggest single source of good times in the history of mankind. You have your gladiators, your jousters, your Tennessee wedding parties, etc. We as a species just love to see our brethren b**** slap our brethren. And, as we have (allegedly) evolved as a species, so to have the styles of combat we consider entertainment. Boxing, Judo, Fencing, are all forms of fighting which have now become formal sports. This is all well and good I suppose, but another recent story got me to thinking.
When I heard the news about John Lovitz and Andy Dick, I immediately began combing the internet for video. I didn’t find any footage of those two knuckle-heads, but I did find plenty other footage of various amateur fisticuffs. And, after extensive research, I now feel confident to put forward this assertion; There is nothing more entertaining than watching two equally matched, equally inexperienced, equally furious human beings going at it toe-to-toe – nothing.
I know there are a lot of Ultimate Fighting fans out there and that’s cool -it seems like there’s more than a couple of folks in that sport with some major screws loose and I do occasionally read about someone getting seriously hurt in the ring or octagon or cage or whatever - but something is definitely missing. Way back before there was Ultimate Fighting, my buddies and I used to shell out big bucks to watch something on pay-per view called shoot-fighting (or was it chute-fighting?). What made these fights so great was the fact that the combatants were mainly washed-up ex-football players and college wrestlers. It was an awesome spectacle of incompetent rage fueled by ego and absurd levels of synthetic testosterone. Now-a-days all you’ve got is a bunch of athletes who train and more often than not know what they’re doing. Boooring! We, as fighting fans have placed way to much importance on skill for way too long.
What we need is an Ultimate Non-fighters Fighting Championship Series. Think about it. How cool would a no-holds-barred Ryan Seacrest vs. Kevin Federline Submission Match be? Those delicate features, those feminine hands… a Slap-Fight Royal!
And there are other match-ups that would be guaranteed cash cows;
Barry Bonds vs. Jose Conseco - More fitting than induction in Cooperstown would be the lasting memory of these two three-hundred-pound base-ball cheatin’ bastards with womens’ breasts beating the tar out of each other until they both collapsed from heart attacks. Ah, sweet justice.
George Bush vs. Richard Simmons – Would easily go down in history as the most dignified act attributable to either one of them.
Adam Sandler vs. Tom Cruise – The idea being that a clash of the two most annoying forces of nature would cancel both out permanently.
Axel Rose vs. Tommy Hilfiger re-match – Though, the inevitable spike in emergency room cases laughter-split sides would have to be planned for.
Alex Rodriquez vs. Derek Jeeter – Admittedly, not very interesting… until the broke down and started French-kissing (and you know they would.)
I have many, many more match-up I would love to see… but it’s getting sort of late in the day and… well, I just now realized this whole bit is pretty weak… sorry.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Those Wacky, Wacky Hamas Guys
Recently, Hamas replaced the mascot/star of it's popular children's' program "Pioneers of Tomorrow." Originally, the show was hosted by a large, mouse who bore a striking resemblance to another, more American mouse who's name begins with "M" and rhymes with hickey.
http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=b7844cc3-3bc7-4636-a539-f614616e4d3e&f=06/64&fg=copy
What struck me was not the complete ghastliness of this program, but the fact that, evidently, the only thing which appears to frighten the cold-blooded murderers who produced this monstrosity is the threat of a copyright infringement suit.
http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=b7844cc3-3bc7-4636-a539-f614616e4d3e&f=06/64&fg=copy
What struck me was not the complete ghastliness of this program, but the fact that, evidently, the only thing which appears to frighten the cold-blooded murderers who produced this monstrosity is the threat of a copyright infringement suit.
Monday, July 16, 2007
The Lamest Generation...
by t
Oh, my goodness! How in the world did anyone ever raise a child to adulthood before the information age?
http://health.msn.com/centers/adhd/slideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=100163625
What I really love is the picture of that kid gleefully digging into a heaping plate of steamed fish and vegetables.
Oh, my goodness! How in the world did anyone ever raise a child to adulthood before the information age?
http://health.msn.com/centers/adhd/slideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=100163625
What I really love is the picture of that kid gleefully digging into a heaping plate of steamed fish and vegetables.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Cats That Look Like Hitler
Here is a great site for you folks who are into cats and history's greatest despot.
http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/cgi-bin/seigmiaow.pl
http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/cgi-bin/seigmiaow.pl
Monday, July 2, 2007
For the REAL Cat Lovers
The following link was sent to me by a long-time friend. He is and probably always will be Leroy Nemmy's arch nemesis...
T
http://whatjeffkilled.com/051907.html
T
http://whatjeffkilled.com/051907.html
Friday, June 29, 2007
39 Flavors of Goodness
by T
Recently, on Nightline, it was reported that Hostess Twinkies contain no less than thirty-nine ingredients. Our sources have indicated these are:
01. A Big Scoop of Tender Loving Care
02. Double Dollops of Joy
03. Yellow # 4 Lead Paint
04. Partially hydrogenated Styrofoam
05. Baby harp seal liver oil
06. Bakers yeast
08. Sweat and hair fibers from undocumented worker
09. Distilled Twink extract.
10. Vaseline
11. Gelatin rendered from the hooves of race horses that "just had that attitude."
12. Aspen Glow
13. Synthetic marshmallow spread
14. Barry Bonds Old Tyme Medicated "Knee Cream" (wink, wink)
15. Varnish (as a preservative)
16. Industrial strength Fresh Sugar smell.
17. Salt and salt rind
18. Cinnamon Powder (not the brown spice, but the actual powder held within the necklace vile worn by "Cinnamon" of Crazy Girls.)
19. Imitation water
20. Trace amounts of frosting
21. Big squirt from that tube with the label rubbed off
22. No more than 3% spider eggs
23. Lard Lite
24. Good, Old-Fashioned Yankee Know-How or Know-How substitute.
25. Food-grade fiberglass (as filler)
26. Teeny-tiny, little micro-chips... Don't worry about it... seriously.
27. Xanthan gum
28. Xanthan gum solvent
29. Enriched Caffeine
30. Sea turtle egg whites
31. Processed dimemythlbutane curd
33. The Hopes and Dreams of Our Board Chairman
34. Corndog trimmings
35. Baking soda (as "aroma" suppressant)
36. Pork-based sweetener
37. Silica
38. Non-Kosher Uber-leavener
39. Dash of bleached flour.
Recently, on Nightline, it was reported that Hostess Twinkies contain no less than thirty-nine ingredients. Our sources have indicated these are:
01. A Big Scoop of Tender Loving Care
02. Double Dollops of Joy
03. Yellow # 4 Lead Paint
04. Partially hydrogenated Styrofoam
05. Baby harp seal liver oil
06. Bakers yeast
08. Sweat and hair fibers from undocumented worker
09. Distilled Twink extract.
10. Vaseline
11. Gelatin rendered from the hooves of race horses that "just had that attitude."
12. Aspen Glow
13. Synthetic marshmallow spread
14. Barry Bonds Old Tyme Medicated "Knee Cream" (wink, wink)
15. Varnish (as a preservative)
16. Industrial strength Fresh Sugar smell.
17. Salt and salt rind
18. Cinnamon Powder (not the brown spice, but the actual powder held within the necklace vile worn by "Cinnamon" of Crazy Girls.)
19. Imitation water
20. Trace amounts of frosting
21. Big squirt from that tube with the label rubbed off
22. No more than 3% spider eggs
23. Lard Lite
24. Good, Old-Fashioned Yankee Know-How or Know-How substitute.
25. Food-grade fiberglass (as filler)
26. Teeny-tiny, little micro-chips... Don't worry about it... seriously.
27. Xanthan gum
28. Xanthan gum solvent
29. Enriched Caffeine
30. Sea turtle egg whites
31. Processed dimemythlbutane curd
33. The Hopes and Dreams of Our Board Chairman
34. Corndog trimmings
35. Baking soda (as "aroma" suppressant)
36. Pork-based sweetener
37. Silica
38. Non-Kosher Uber-leavener
39. Dash of bleached flour.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
An Oldie but a Goodie
After a long hiatus bow-hunting turtles with Leroy Nemmy (more on that later,) I am back at work. For the time being, in lieu of fresh, new, thought provoking content I will be posting favorite "re-runs." I feel the following letter, while dated, is none-the-less relevant as an expression of the deep reverence all citizens should posses for our esteemed leader in his times of trial.
T
President Bush;
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
4. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put death, should I do it or should I ask the police to do it?
5. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Aren't there 'degrees' of abomination?
6. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20 or is there a little wiggle room there?
7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
8. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
9. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Sincerely,
An American
T
President Bush;
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
4. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put death, should I do it or should I ask the police to do it?
5. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Aren't there 'degrees' of abomination?
6. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20 or is there a little wiggle room there?
7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
8. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
9. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Sincerely,
An American
Monday, June 11, 2007
Sopranos Bullocks
by Nigel Farthingham
One of the greatest joys of my work here on the left side of the Pond has been inclusion in my colleagues’ discussions of all things socially important. Chief among these concerns are the rising and falling fortunes of characters from the telly. It requires but one season or series finale to send my office mates into a daylong fit of nattering, chattering away the day like a bunch of coffee addled hairdressers.
It is therefore in the interest of a return to commerce that I offer this; Tony Soprano is dead. It is not ambiguous. It is not left open for interpretation. It is a fact. The water cooler has been abuzz today with Monday morning screen-writers deconstruction the final chapter in the Sopranos saga. There was not a soul in the office who could even think of spreadsheets or faxes or reports. It was a firestorm of controversy the like of which has not been seen since Sanjaya made his inglorious exit from Colonial Idol. What was to become of Tony? Of Carmela? The children? What did it all mean? I am happy to report that not a single one of my office mates got it right.
The problem is - as the problem with the Sopranos and it's audience has always been – that Yank viewers allow themselves to believe (and Don’t Stop Believin’) that David Chase is somehow holding up a window into another world when his is, in fact, holding up a mirror. This is not to say that the general viewership is comprised of crime bosses and their kin – unless, of course, you consider your average American in the same terms that the rest of the world does – it is to say that the AJ, Carmela and Medoe, like their countrymen are all blissfully and ignorantly skipping down the same well-intended path that the sons and daughters of the original Founding Godfathers, traverse.
No better example of the American ethos is made than that presented in the figure of Anthony Junior. Here is a young man who is able to consider the real inequities and tragedies of life only in the context of his own, stupid, heart-broken, self pity. To the younger Soprano, suffering is nothing more than the temporary extension of his dismal outlook to the sound bites and info-tainment articles which comprise his world-view. AJ is only compelled to act in the interest of the larger society until another, more self-satisfying distraction comes along in the form of employment fetching coffee for a pornography mogul.
It is testament indeed to the tenacity with which Americans cling to their delusions that this final episode, so stark and obvious, could lead my co-workers to formulate an opinion that this Soprano clan should persist immune to Newton’s Third Law – that they are destined to carry on as before without result, without end. Anthony JR will remain forever unimpeded by responsibility and unmoved by ambition, Medoe will continue on the road to success defending the downtrodden, oppressed Italian American, Carmela will complete her happy transformation from homemaker to businesswoman and Tony will remain surrounded by an adoring family. He will most certainly not fall prey to the same fate he described not long before to the doomed Bobby Bacala; “You don’t feel nothing. [when “whacked”] You just fade to black.” And so they shall go on forever, seated in their diner, eating fried foods, listening to Journey, believing, believing and believing without cease.
Americans. I detest them all.
One of the greatest joys of my work here on the left side of the Pond has been inclusion in my colleagues’ discussions of all things socially important. Chief among these concerns are the rising and falling fortunes of characters from the telly. It requires but one season or series finale to send my office mates into a daylong fit of nattering, chattering away the day like a bunch of coffee addled hairdressers.
It is therefore in the interest of a return to commerce that I offer this; Tony Soprano is dead. It is not ambiguous. It is not left open for interpretation. It is a fact. The water cooler has been abuzz today with Monday morning screen-writers deconstruction the final chapter in the Sopranos saga. There was not a soul in the office who could even think of spreadsheets or faxes or reports. It was a firestorm of controversy the like of which has not been seen since Sanjaya made his inglorious exit from Colonial Idol. What was to become of Tony? Of Carmela? The children? What did it all mean? I am happy to report that not a single one of my office mates got it right.
The problem is - as the problem with the Sopranos and it's audience has always been – that Yank viewers allow themselves to believe (and Don’t Stop Believin’) that David Chase is somehow holding up a window into another world when his is, in fact, holding up a mirror. This is not to say that the general viewership is comprised of crime bosses and their kin – unless, of course, you consider your average American in the same terms that the rest of the world does – it is to say that the AJ, Carmela and Medoe, like their countrymen are all blissfully and ignorantly skipping down the same well-intended path that the sons and daughters of the original Founding Godfathers, traverse.
No better example of the American ethos is made than that presented in the figure of Anthony Junior. Here is a young man who is able to consider the real inequities and tragedies of life only in the context of his own, stupid, heart-broken, self pity. To the younger Soprano, suffering is nothing more than the temporary extension of his dismal outlook to the sound bites and info-tainment articles which comprise his world-view. AJ is only compelled to act in the interest of the larger society until another, more self-satisfying distraction comes along in the form of employment fetching coffee for a pornography mogul.
It is testament indeed to the tenacity with which Americans cling to their delusions that this final episode, so stark and obvious, could lead my co-workers to formulate an opinion that this Soprano clan should persist immune to Newton’s Third Law – that they are destined to carry on as before without result, without end. Anthony JR will remain forever unimpeded by responsibility and unmoved by ambition, Medoe will continue on the road to success defending the downtrodden, oppressed Italian American, Carmela will complete her happy transformation from homemaker to businesswoman and Tony will remain surrounded by an adoring family. He will most certainly not fall prey to the same fate he described not long before to the doomed Bobby Bacala; “You don’t feel nothing. [when “whacked”] You just fade to black.” And so they shall go on forever, seated in their diner, eating fried foods, listening to Journey, believing, believing and believing without cease.
Americans. I detest them all.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Leroy Nemmy is a Big, Fat Idiot.
By Sarah Beck
Here are 10 reasons why cats are better than men!
1. You will never come home to find your cat wearing your panties and your “I wish these were brains” t-shirt.
2. A cat would never ask you to help him steal a Camaro on the first date.
3. A cat will never pose as a successful rodeo clown to get into your pants.
4. A cat will never lord his GED over you.
5. A cat will never feign death after love-making.
6. A cat will never make you dress up in a crotch-less Jeff Gordon costume.
7. A cat will nevere drug your sour apple martini, take you to across the border and sell you to the Mexican army.
8. A cat will never will never eat too many mushrooms and burn down your carport.
9. A cat will never secretly share you with his twin.
10. A cat will never make you climb out the bedroom window if he hears his “cleaning lady” come home.
MEN SUCK!!!!!!!!!!
Here are 10 reasons why cats are better than men!
1. You will never come home to find your cat wearing your panties and your “I wish these were brains” t-shirt.
2. A cat would never ask you to help him steal a Camaro on the first date.
3. A cat will never pose as a successful rodeo clown to get into your pants.
4. A cat will never lord his GED over you.
5. A cat will never feign death after love-making.
6. A cat will never make you dress up in a crotch-less Jeff Gordon costume.
7. A cat will nevere drug your sour apple martini, take you to across the border and sell you to the Mexican army.
8. A cat will never will never eat too many mushrooms and burn down your carport.
9. A cat will never secretly share you with his twin.
10. A cat will never make you climb out the bedroom window if he hears his “cleaning lady” come home.
MEN SUCK!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Suburban Hunting 101
by Leroy Nemmy
It’s moments like these that make life worth living. You can share in this magic too. All it takes is the right equipment, proper training and adequate planning. Over the next weeks and months we will explore each of these facets in detail.
Now that’s good, wholesome fun!
It was a glorious spring morning. Glistening dew be-jeweled the grass and clover which concealed my position. Through a camouflage tunic I could feel cool dampness on my skin yet I was flushed, my palms sweating. Some twenty yards distant, lolling in the first rays of sunlight, oblivious to my presence, a giant angora was frittering away his last earthly moments licking his genitals and dreaming of nothing.
I leveled my sights and exhaled half-way. I squeezed the trigger. “Booya!” barked my Benjamin Model 397 Bolt Action Variable Pump Pellet Rifle, a multi-pump pneumatic with a sleek, hardwood Monte Carlo stock and a raised cheekpiece, it’s rifled brass barrel finished in black sending a pellet screaming at 800 fps. “Booyaka!” A mass of bad-breath and grey fur leaped two feet into the air, flipped over once and glared back at me as if to say “Owww! What the hell? Hey, man, I’m getting really dizzy. Whoa, what’s that bright light? Is that Elvis? Mother? I’m coming, Mother – just gonna lick my junk one more ti…” then dropped like a sack of fishy-smelling potatoes.
I leveled my sights and exhaled half-way. I squeezed the trigger. “Booya!” barked my Benjamin Model 397 Bolt Action Variable Pump Pellet Rifle, a multi-pump pneumatic with a sleek, hardwood Monte Carlo stock and a raised cheekpiece, it’s rifled brass barrel finished in black sending a pellet screaming at 800 fps. “Booyaka!” A mass of bad-breath and grey fur leaped two feet into the air, flipped over once and glared back at me as if to say “Owww! What the hell? Hey, man, I’m getting really dizzy. Whoa, what’s that bright light? Is that Elvis? Mother? I’m coming, Mother – just gonna lick my junk one more ti…” then dropped like a sack of fishy-smelling potatoes.
It’s moments like these that make life worth living. You can share in this magic too. All it takes is the right equipment, proper training and adequate planning. Over the next weeks and months we will explore each of these facets in detail. OVER-VIEW
Successful hunting in suburbia requires stealth. While it may be great fun to send felis silvestris catus tumbling end over shredded end with a blast from your favorite 16 gauge, you’ll soon find that the noise from such firearms will be unwelcome by your neighbors as it would drown out the oh-so-pleasant bleating of car alarms or their punk kid-brothers fuzzed out speakers bumping Lil’ John. Better to go with a more discrete weapon. The little number pictured below is typical of the kind of tool you will need to “reach out and touch someone” while “on the down-low.”
Now that’s good, wholesome fun! Once you have your equipment in order, it is vital to educate yourself thoroughly in it’s use. I’m talking marksmanship, the foundation of our sport. We will start with the basics such as proper stance.
When finally in the field, you will benefit from a good strategy. Our quarry is a wily opponent, no doubt. You can increase your chances of bagging Mr. Whiskers by carefully planning each move. Choosing the proper shot will not only ensure a plentiful supply of violin strings for the winter – it may well save your life.
Finally, we will wrap things up with an on-line discussion; "Ethics - a necessary nuisance or just a bunch of BS.?"
I look forward to sharing this, the true American pass time with you.
Until next time, Good Shooting!
I look forward to sharing this, the true American pass time with you.
Until next time, Good Shooting!
Monday, June 4, 2007
The Thrill of the Chase
by Leroy Nemmy 
There are several places around the World that are special to me. There's that little brook near my granddad's farm where I learned how to swim, there's the trail up the back-side of Rock Mountain where I first saw a bobcat, there's that concealed corner of my roof where I can often times see into my Asian neighbor's bedroom and there's that vacant lot where my father taught me the gentle art of hunting.
Not so long ago, this venerable sport was not a sport at all, but a way of life and means of sustenance. My what a long way we have come… or have we? Seems everywhere you turn these days there’s some ninny admonishing “Don’t do this! Don’t do that!” Well I have one question for you nervous Nellys: Up Yours!
There are several places around the World that are special to me. There's that little brook near my granddad's farm where I learned how to swim, there's the trail up the back-side of Rock Mountain where I first saw a bobcat, there's that concealed corner of my roof where I can often times see into my Asian neighbor's bedroom and there's that vacant lot where my father taught me the gentle art of hunting.Now, I know what you're probably thinking; "Damn Nemmy has gone all sentimental and soft on us!" Well, I must admit to certain tender feelings and most precious of all is the joy of sub-urban big-game shooting. In a crazy world that can seem oh-so-topsy-turvey, there is nothing like the calming refuse to be found in stalking game from your own back steps.
A RICH AND NOBEL HISTORY
Not so long ago, this venerable sport was not a sport at all, but a way of life and means of sustenance. My what a long way we have come… or have we? Seems everywhere you turn these days there’s some ninny admonishing “Don’t do this! Don’t do that!” Well I have one question for you nervous Nellys: Up Yours!
In the series of articles to follow, I will instruct readers in the pursuit of this great sport. I will cover safety and strategy, lore and legend and in the end I hope to make the world a better place by making hunters out of one or many of you.
Good Shooting to all!
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Goodbye
Charles Nelson Riley January 13, 1931 – May 25, 2007
Another Match Game 76er goes to the great blank upstairs. Please feel free to assuage the anguish of your bereavement by adding a caption of your own to this cartoon in "comments."
Another Match Game 76er goes to the great blank upstairs. Please feel free to assuage the anguish of your bereavement by adding a caption of your own to this cartoon in "comments."
Thursday, May 24, 2007
It's been a slooooow week.
In lieu of something new, I am re-posting a pair of interviews conducted by staffer Leroy Nemmy for his tri-annual "Showbiz Buzz" report. Sorry.
Recently, I was stunned by the appearance of a very curious apparition in my favorite holistic/voodoo pharmacy. My conversation is recorded below as:
An Interview with Elizabeth Taylor’s Ghost
There is an awkward silence. ELIZABETH TAYLOR’S GHOST begins to back away from me. I realize I must not mince words.
ME; “Ms. Taylor, you are dead.”
The very-much-alive Elizabeth Taylor slaps me in the left ear and summons security. I am later turned over to Beverly Hills PD.
and
Recently, while camping at Malibu Creek State Park I had a very strange encounter indeed.
An Interview with the Bigfoot
ME; “A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Sasquatch…”
BIGFOOT; “It’s Sas-quich, dumbass!”
Bigfoot slaps me in the right ear with his massive hand/paw and storms away, leaving nothing but a ringing in my head and the odor of rotten eggs.
My apologies to Elizabeth Taylor and Bigfoot.
Recently, I was stunned by the appearance of a very curious apparition in my favorite holistic/voodoo pharmacy. My conversation is recorded below as:
An Interview with Elizabeth Taylor’s Ghost
ME; (My eyes are closed. I am focusing on the spirit world) “MMMMiiiiiiiizzzzzz Taaaaayyyylooooor, Caaaaan yoooouuu heeaaar meeee?”
ELIZABETH TAYLOR’S GHOST; “Um, yes.”
ME; “Miiiiiizzz Taaaayyyylooor, caaaaan yoooooouuu seeee meeeee?”
ELIZABETH TAYLOR’S GHOST; “Of course.”
ME; “Ms. Taylor, why are you haaaauuunting this place?”
ELIZABETH TAYLOR’S GHOST; “Excuse me?”
ME; “Ms. Taylor why do you remain on this plane of reality?”
ELIZABETH TAYLOR’S GHOST looks at me strangely. At this point, I feel that I should help this wayward spirit begin moving to the next level.
ME; “Ms. Taylor, it is time for you to continue your journey.”
ELIZABETH TAYLOR’S GHOST looking around; “Am I being ‘Punk’d?’”
ME; “It is time for you to walk into the light Ms. Taylor… your work in this world is finished. It is time for you to join those who have gone before you.”
There is an awkward silence. ELIZABETH TAYLOR’S GHOST begins to back away from me. I realize I must not mince words.
ME; “Ms. Taylor, you are dead.”
The very-much-alive Elizabeth Taylor slaps me in the left ear and summons security. I am later turned over to Beverly Hills PD.
and
Recently, while camping at Malibu Creek State Park I had a very strange encounter indeed.
An Interview with the Bigfoot
ME; “A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Sasquatch…”
BIGFOOT; “It’s Sas-quich, dumbass!”
Bigfoot slaps me in the right ear with his massive hand/paw and storms away, leaving nothing but a ringing in my head and the odor of rotten eggs.
My apologies to Elizabeth Taylor and Bigfoot.
T
Monday, May 21, 2007
Sad?
Is it just me, or is this site PARTNERINGWITHPETLOVERS sort of like a book written in braille intended for the deaf?
(I took actually took the time to fill out the application. Here's mine.)
Name Marnee Lynn Murrah
Email address Let’s just see how this goes first…
City and state where you live Glendale, California
City and state where you work Glendale, California
Occupation Substitute Assistant Librarian Age 322 (46 in human years)
Level of education PHD in Children’s Lit.
Sexual orientation Some day, I hope!
What language(s) do you speak? Persian, Siamese, Angora, Tabby and Calico.
What is your first language? ESPP (Extra Sensory Pet Perception!)
Do you live in a house or an apartment? Mobile home on the railroad easement.
Do you live alone? No. If not, whom do you live with (parents, roommate, etc)? Ghost of Great Aunt Millie (She’s a stitch!)
How many pets do you have now? Oh, Gaaawd... that's sort of like trying to count grains of sand on the beach... I'll just say more than two...
What kind(s) of pets do you have, and what are their names? Many Kitti-zens live with me. They are: Mayor Nigel Nibblesbottom, Lady Lickmelove, Puurrrcival Pawpants, Sprayer McNaughtyboy, Scott, Cuddlekat I, Cuddlekat II, CuddlekatIII… um, maybe I should just attach a separate page…
What types of pets have you had in the past? My human family once had a foreign exchange student.
Have you ever been married or lived with a romantic partner? Is that supposed to be sarcastic?
Would you ever date someone who doesn't want pets? See above!
Would you ever live with or marry someone who doesn't want pets or who asked you to give up your pets? UHG!
Are you allergic to any types of animals? YES! If so, which ones? The ones on two legs that HUNT and watch Adam Sandler movies!!!
Are there certain animals you would not consider having as pets? If so, which ones? Dogs, flamingos.
Would you ever move to an apartment or house that didn't allow pets? I’d live in the sewer before I’d let that happen! (and actually, the sewer isn’t so bad – it kind of conceals the smell of the litter box.)
Do you have children? Don’t make me vomit! If so, how many? _______ If you don't have any children, do you want to have children someday? Yuck, pew, ack!
If you do have children, do you want to have more? ______
Would you ever consider relocating because of a job transfer or because of a relationship? I sort of like the idea of living in Redding. Don’t know why. I just always have.
Do you bring your pet(s) on trips? If not, what arrangements do you make for your pet(s) when you go away? I don’t travel, but perhaps I’ll take a trip or two some day when they start making bus seats for real people and not models! (and everyone would ride with me, in my lap, in my neighbors’ laps - wherever they damn well felt like riding!)
What is the most frivolous thing you ever bought for your pet? I once had a star named after each of my cat-panions… but, turns out it was just a scam… and oh, yeah, a lap dance.
Have you ever taken in strays off the street? I find the term “strays” HIGHLY insulting!!!
Have you ever rescued animals and brought them to a shelter? If by “shelter” you mean the under the eves of my loving bosom – then, yes!
Do you feed strays outside? Oh puh-lease! Dinner time is the one time we all get to sit down together... at the dining room table!
Do you insist on spaying or neutering your pets? Heavens no! I've implemented a comprehensive sexual education course that is far more humane.
Do you support the idea of de-clawing cats? How ‘bout we tear out your finger nails?!?! How would you like that?!?!?
Do you support the idea of keeping animals locked in cages – for example, keeping a dog caged at night or when company comes over? Company? Coming over? Don’t understand the question...
How much would you be willing to spend on your pet to save his/her life? What's the number greater than infinity? Take that number and multiply it by, like, a million and you're still nowhere near the amount!
How much medical intervention would you make available to your pet? For example, if your pet had cancer, would you tell the vet to administer chemotherapy and radiation, or would you have your pet put to sleep? I've actually donated a kidney once... not for transplant... they were just really hungry for fresh kidney...
Do you subscribe to any magazines or newsletters about animals? Does Readers Digest count? If so, which one(s)? I actually publish my own ‘Zine. It’s called Kool Katz and you can usually find it next to the rain sticks at the farmers market if Mothers Against Drunk Driving isn’t hogging all the curb space.
What's your pet peeve about the way some other people treat animals? Have you ever confronted someone about their abuse or neglect of an animal? Yes! If so, please briefly explain. There have been so, so many times… Who could count them all? The one that stands out most in my mind though, was the time I took LoverGirl and SpecialBlend to see “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants." The little B*tch at the snack counter gave them such a dirty look… I could feel their little hearts breaking in their chests… Let me just say that it was probably a long time before that little slut took a dump that wasn’t the exact shape of my size twelve Birkenstock!
If you witness someone being cruel to an animal, would you:
A. Call the ASPCA or other animal rights organization?
B. Try to ignore it and avoid a confrontation?
C. Try to reason with that person and educate him/her about the proper treatment of a pet?
SEE ABOVE!!!
What do you consider to be the 3 most important qualities in a partner? (eg, sense of humor, kindness, generosity, etc) They have to “get” me. Is that too much to ask for Chrissake?!?!
What are 3 characteristics in a person that would make you not want to have a long-term relationship with him or her? Dishonesty, cruelty, leprosy.
What were some negative issues about relationships you've had in the past? I really resent it when people are reading my thoughts.
What are your favorite activities? Scrap-booking, lancing infected scratches.
What are your favorite foods? Tuna, Liver and Chicken
What are your favorite TV shows? California Gold, the Price is Right.
What kind of music do you like? Anything as long as it’s Brian Adams!
What are the 3 most recent movies you have seen? Georgia Rules, The Queen, Summer Rental
Do you like to read? Yes If so, do you prefer books, magazines, newspapers, or reading on the Internet? In the bathroom I prefer something absorbent, like newsprint. Anywhere else, I like magazines.
Do you drive? Not a car, but I do get around pretty well on my Rascal
Do you like to travel? If it’s not too humid.
Do you like your job? If by “like” you mean being over-whelmed by a sense of dread at the thought of continuing on one more second, then yes.
Which of these is your idea of an ideal date? (Circle one or more choices.)A. Dinner and a movie
B. Dinner and dancing
C. An outdoor activity such as going cycling or rafting
D. Bowling
E. Golfing
F. Going to a concert
G. Going to the beach or park for a picnic
H. Going to a bar or pub
I. Attending a cat or dog show
J. Other (please describe). Lying in the grass, making out shapes in the clouds, foot worship, spanking.
(I took actually took the time to fill out the application. Here's mine.)
Name Marnee Lynn Murrah
Email address Let’s just see how this goes first…
City and state where you live Glendale, California
City and state where you work Glendale, California
Occupation Substitute Assistant Librarian Age 322 (46 in human years)
Level of education PHD in Children’s Lit.
Sexual orientation Some day, I hope!
What language(s) do you speak? Persian, Siamese, Angora, Tabby and Calico.
What is your first language? ESPP (Extra Sensory Pet Perception!)
Do you live in a house or an apartment? Mobile home on the railroad easement.
Do you live alone? No. If not, whom do you live with (parents, roommate, etc)? Ghost of Great Aunt Millie (She’s a stitch!)
How many pets do you have now? Oh, Gaaawd... that's sort of like trying to count grains of sand on the beach... I'll just say more than two...
What kind(s) of pets do you have, and what are their names? Many Kitti-zens live with me. They are: Mayor Nigel Nibblesbottom, Lady Lickmelove, Puurrrcival Pawpants, Sprayer McNaughtyboy, Scott, Cuddlekat I, Cuddlekat II, CuddlekatIII… um, maybe I should just attach a separate page…
What types of pets have you had in the past? My human family once had a foreign exchange student.
Have you ever been married or lived with a romantic partner? Is that supposed to be sarcastic?
Would you ever date someone who doesn't want pets? See above!
Would you ever live with or marry someone who doesn't want pets or who asked you to give up your pets? UHG!
Are you allergic to any types of animals? YES! If so, which ones? The ones on two legs that HUNT and watch Adam Sandler movies!!!
Are there certain animals you would not consider having as pets? If so, which ones? Dogs, flamingos.
Would you ever move to an apartment or house that didn't allow pets? I’d live in the sewer before I’d let that happen! (and actually, the sewer isn’t so bad – it kind of conceals the smell of the litter box.)
Do you have children? Don’t make me vomit! If so, how many? _______ If you don't have any children, do you want to have children someday? Yuck, pew, ack!
If you do have children, do you want to have more? ______
Would you ever consider relocating because of a job transfer or because of a relationship? I sort of like the idea of living in Redding. Don’t know why. I just always have.
Do you bring your pet(s) on trips? If not, what arrangements do you make for your pet(s) when you go away? I don’t travel, but perhaps I’ll take a trip or two some day when they start making bus seats for real people and not models! (and everyone would ride with me, in my lap, in my neighbors’ laps - wherever they damn well felt like riding!)
What is the most frivolous thing you ever bought for your pet? I once had a star named after each of my cat-panions… but, turns out it was just a scam… and oh, yeah, a lap dance.
Have you ever taken in strays off the street? I find the term “strays” HIGHLY insulting!!!
Have you ever rescued animals and brought them to a shelter? If by “shelter” you mean the under the eves of my loving bosom – then, yes!
Do you feed strays outside? Oh puh-lease! Dinner time is the one time we all get to sit down together... at the dining room table!
Do you insist on spaying or neutering your pets? Heavens no! I've implemented a comprehensive sexual education course that is far more humane.
Do you support the idea of de-clawing cats? How ‘bout we tear out your finger nails?!?! How would you like that?!?!?
Do you support the idea of keeping animals locked in cages – for example, keeping a dog caged at night or when company comes over? Company? Coming over? Don’t understand the question...
How much would you be willing to spend on your pet to save his/her life? What's the number greater than infinity? Take that number and multiply it by, like, a million and you're still nowhere near the amount!
How much medical intervention would you make available to your pet? For example, if your pet had cancer, would you tell the vet to administer chemotherapy and radiation, or would you have your pet put to sleep? I've actually donated a kidney once... not for transplant... they were just really hungry for fresh kidney...
Do you subscribe to any magazines or newsletters about animals? Does Readers Digest count? If so, which one(s)? I actually publish my own ‘Zine. It’s called Kool Katz and you can usually find it next to the rain sticks at the farmers market if Mothers Against Drunk Driving isn’t hogging all the curb space.
What's your pet peeve about the way some other people treat animals? Have you ever confronted someone about their abuse or neglect of an animal? Yes! If so, please briefly explain. There have been so, so many times… Who could count them all? The one that stands out most in my mind though, was the time I took LoverGirl and SpecialBlend to see “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants." The little B*tch at the snack counter gave them such a dirty look… I could feel their little hearts breaking in their chests… Let me just say that it was probably a long time before that little slut took a dump that wasn’t the exact shape of my size twelve Birkenstock!
If you witness someone being cruel to an animal, would you:
A. Call the ASPCA or other animal rights organization?
B. Try to ignore it and avoid a confrontation?
C. Try to reason with that person and educate him/her about the proper treatment of a pet?
SEE ABOVE!!!
What do you consider to be the 3 most important qualities in a partner? (eg, sense of humor, kindness, generosity, etc) They have to “get” me. Is that too much to ask for Chrissake?!?!
What are 3 characteristics in a person that would make you not want to have a long-term relationship with him or her? Dishonesty, cruelty, leprosy.
What were some negative issues about relationships you've had in the past? I really resent it when people are reading my thoughts.
What are your favorite activities? Scrap-booking, lancing infected scratches.
What are your favorite foods? Tuna, Liver and Chicken
What are your favorite TV shows? California Gold, the Price is Right.
What kind of music do you like? Anything as long as it’s Brian Adams!
What are the 3 most recent movies you have seen? Georgia Rules, The Queen, Summer Rental
Do you like to read? Yes If so, do you prefer books, magazines, newspapers, or reading on the Internet? In the bathroom I prefer something absorbent, like newsprint. Anywhere else, I like magazines.
Do you drive? Not a car, but I do get around pretty well on my Rascal
Do you like to travel? If it’s not too humid.
Do you like your job? If by “like” you mean being over-whelmed by a sense of dread at the thought of continuing on one more second, then yes.
Which of these is your idea of an ideal date? (Circle one or more choices.)A. Dinner and a movie
B. Dinner and dancing
C. An outdoor activity such as going cycling or rafting
D. Bowling
E. Golfing
F. Going to a concert
G. Going to the beach or park for a picnic
H. Going to a bar or pub
I. Attending a cat or dog show
J. Other (please describe). Lying in the grass, making out shapes in the clouds, foot worship, spanking.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Nothing Gold Can Stay
by T
I used to check out POST SECRET every week. The honesty of anonymity is always fascinating. It's success however, may have been it's undoing as notoriety has turned this once provocative forum into nothing more than a venue for public moping and self-pity. Too bad.
Here are a few cards I'd love to see posted there.
I used to check out POST SECRET every week. The honesty of anonymity is always fascinating. It's success however, may have been it's undoing as notoriety has turned this once provocative forum into nothing more than a venue for public moping and self-pity. Too bad.
Here are a few cards I'd love to see posted there.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
What is Humane?
I’ve noticed several articles posted on different blogs lately having to do with the ethical and/or moral questions surrounding the taking of another creature’s life. I’m curious as to the prevailing opinions of the readership and would be greatly interested your answers to the following:
1. When is it acceptable to kill a baby Harp seal for it’s pelt?
A. When it is within the legal hunting season.
B. When there is a surplus population.
C. When there is a great demand for fur.
D. When you are, like, totally out of toilet paper.
2. The spotted owl is best enjoyed:
A. In a controlled zoo environment.
B. In it’s native range and natural habitat.
C. In any ecosystem where it can survive.
D. Breaded and deep-fried.
3. Boiling alive is:
A. A cruel way to prepare a lobster.
B. A quick, painless way to prepare a lobster.
C. An inefficient way to prepare a lobster
D. An extremely inefficient way to prepare venison.
4. What is required in order to harvest the Bald Eagle in the United States?
A. A regular hunting permit.
B. Membership in recognized, Native American tribe.
C. A special authorization from the DFG.
D. A six-pack and a .22.
5. When hiking in the known habitat of the endangered Arroyo toad it is important to remember:
A. To tread lightly!
B. To watch your step!
C. To look before you leap!
D. Toss the damn thing after you light the firecracker in it’s butt!
6. It is inadvisable for people to feed wild animals because:
A. Animals may lose their natural fear of humans.
B. Animals may become dependant on human hand-outs.
C. Humans may develop unrealistic expectations of wildlife behavior.
D. Their carb-fattened a**es, will limit their chances to reproduce sexually.
7. When coyotes begin to feed on house pets it is important to:
A. Notify Fish and Game.
B. Place dog food out to prevent the coyotes from hunting.
C. Set traps.
D. Keep a camcorder handy because that has got to be, like, hilarious to see.
Please feel free to leave your answers in "Comments" or email to night.swimmers@hotmail.com. You're input is greatly valued.
1. When is it acceptable to kill a baby Harp seal for it’s pelt?
A. When it is within the legal hunting season.
B. When there is a surplus population.
C. When there is a great demand for fur.
D. When you are, like, totally out of toilet paper.
2. The spotted owl is best enjoyed:
A. In a controlled zoo environment.
B. In it’s native range and natural habitat.
C. In any ecosystem where it can survive.
D. Breaded and deep-fried.
3. Boiling alive is:
A. A cruel way to prepare a lobster.
B. A quick, painless way to prepare a lobster.
C. An inefficient way to prepare a lobster
D. An extremely inefficient way to prepare venison.
4. What is required in order to harvest the Bald Eagle in the United States?
A. A regular hunting permit.
B. Membership in recognized, Native American tribe.
C. A special authorization from the DFG.
D. A six-pack and a .22.
5. When hiking in the known habitat of the endangered Arroyo toad it is important to remember:
A. To tread lightly!
B. To watch your step!
C. To look before you leap!
D. Toss the damn thing after you light the firecracker in it’s butt!
6. It is inadvisable for people to feed wild animals because:
A. Animals may lose their natural fear of humans.
B. Animals may become dependant on human hand-outs.
C. Humans may develop unrealistic expectations of wildlife behavior.
D. Their carb-fattened a**es, will limit their chances to reproduce sexually.
7. When coyotes begin to feed on house pets it is important to:
A. Notify Fish and Game.
B. Place dog food out to prevent the coyotes from hunting.
C. Set traps.
D. Keep a camcorder handy because that has got to be, like, hilarious to see.
Please feel free to leave your answers in "Comments" or email to night.swimmers@hotmail.com. You're input is greatly valued.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Goodbye, Jerry
Please feel free to express your grief by providing captions for the above panel in "Comments."
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